INTIMACY

IMG_2754Between Joseph and I there’s not much intimacy. Despite the 17 months(?) together I’ve never really opened myself to him, I only keep it sexual. Last night however, after a big fight I opened up a bit.

After fucking in the name of peace, while lying on bed he asked “Are you satisfied now”“No” I replied.  He continued “Are you ever satisfied?”

I explained that the word satisfaction didn’t apply to him, I’m satisfied after eating food for example. For a lover of his caliber “satisfaction” is cheap, is not fair because the exuberance of our encounters goes far beyond that.

I told him that to me he was Exceptional/Perfect/”Miam“/The best… He told me that I probably say the same to other guys. I didn’t denied it, but that was not fully true, I only compliment those who deserve my reverence because not everybody is a sexual dream. I also explained that it is important to let your partner know how does he makes you feel, not for ego purposes but because sexual talk is a healthy way to bond and create intimacy between the two parts.

Then, I opened myself to him and talked about the sexual side of my last serious relationship (before I turned into a promiscuous sex-machine) and how my then partner never made me feel worth it because he wasn’t verbal and rarely showed “satisfaction”. He was pretty asexual (at least with me) I had to ask him for sex and every time we had it I ended up with a big question mark on my forehead wondering what was wrong with me. It was like that for almost 2 year. When it was over I was so scared to have sex again that I avoided all potential intercourse until I met #1, Derek, Axl, Patrick, Justin (my ex-sexmates) and so on…  and they made me realized that it was nothing wrong with me, AT ALL.

Intimacy requires you to expose yourself, to show your true colours. It requires you to be vulnerable and to place all your cards on the table, and I lack a lot of that with Jospeh. But that is my fault. The image I give him most of the time is of the dominant mate who only wants to fuck.

Intimacy is what I used to do only with the guys I have loved. Now, I wonder what would happen if I show Joseph my real self and not just my kinky side. Would he appreciate my sensibility? Would he like the “smooth” me more than the “mean” me?  Maybe, maybe not, but that would complicate things even more. I just hope that deep inside he doesn’t see me as a complete asshole. Because, I am not.

Anyway I can keep going with this but Joseph just got me a cute cock ring to torture my balls improve our “intimacy” and I need to try it on.  I’ll be right back.

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