Struggle

thumbnail_fullsizerender-8-copyNot having sex definitely affects me, but not having company affects me even more… So, I was (still am) in a stupid mood this week.

Since Xavier and I got kind of closer again my head was in monogamous mode, but UGH! It’s hard to handle someone’s absence when you’re used to the opposite.

I haven’t seen him in almost a week now due to school and work, and in my quest to remain exclusive to him I don’t wanna meet anyone else… As I said monogamy is good, but in this case feels like a sacrifice because he’s only an expectation and no longer “mine”.

He can be very affectionate when I see him, and extremely cold when I don’t. Also, in my head I cannot see him only as a casual lover, he was my boyfriend and feelings are very alive when we see each other, so it is difficult to settle my brain.

Although I feel we are loyal to each other, faithfulness is what is causing me stress ’cause to me he’s still my man and I respect him. But I don’t think he realises that, nor feel the same.

Faithful… what a big word. I quality I partially lost when I lost Joseph too.

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Anyhow, we exchanged few messages yesterday and it seems like I’ll see him some time next week… That said, I’m not sure if I’d be able to manage few more days without company, but… let’s try.

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