NEGATIVE

I got my HIV test results from last week and I’m clean like filtered drinking water, good to do and ready for it… which I expected even if my doubts consumed me… and not because I don’t trust Xavier, but I never trust myself.

From the moment I lost my virginity (few days ago) I’ve always protected myself with all my long-term partners, and the few casual of the latest years too.

When I was about 37 yo, and over a year of relationship with my then partner (Joseph) he asked me to skip the condom. And although I was scare to do it (’cause I grew up in the 80’s/90’s when global campaigns to wear a condom was a mater of life or death,) I partially did at some point. Mostly to please him and avoid issues, but aware that we were both clean.

When Joseph left me, I turned careless and gave up on myself. 

After him I found myself in an open relationship (David) with 2 regular fuckfriends on the side… and I was not always safe with them. Not even caring that one of them worked as an escort.

Then I met PatrickA and we never protected ourselves. Even more alarming none of us asked a single question, which was very shocking. My rational fear was completely gone. Yet, for whatever reason I always felt safe with him even if I was beyond conscious that we were a timebomb.

Our great chemistry prevented us to fool around and stick together for several months until shit got complicated…

Meaning he was falling in love, which in younger guys is the equivalent of not having access to Facebook or Snapchat or something terrible like that. He was afraid of feelings but not diseases… In other words, the same story and excuse of all Grindr users.

During that period I obviously did my regular checkups. And when I met Xavier I did them again in order to start clean, which luckily I also was.

Since I’m not longer the top (read: manwhore) with Xavier, I became “careful” again ’cause the bottoms are more in risk to get ill. And while from times we act like fools, the risk is not as great as those I exposed myself before, ’cause unlike the rest Xavier is not the usual slut I was used to fuck. In that regard, he reminds me a lot of Joseph when I met him.

In a way I believe the Sex God sent Xavier in order to turn me a saint.

I’ve been lucky undoubtedly, but to reach my age fully healthy was not only luck, but discipline and self-respect.

In short, I’m not a role model of anything but what I’m trying to say is that a moment of risky pleasure is not worth a lifetime on medications.

Love yourself because once they cum, the love is gone. 

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