Tag Archives: Are You Ok?

Internet Theory: Sam Smith And Adele Are The Same Person

The C.I.A. (computer investigation alliance), that secret cabal of internet sleuths who cracked the case of the Melania Trump body double WIDE OPEN, have made an exciting new discovery! (Nor really).

Have you ever noticed that you’ve never seen Sam Smith and Adele together in the same room? Didn’t think so.

Are you sitting down? A TwAtter user has proof that Adele and Sam are actually the person.

According to The Huffington Post, the earth shattering theory was first proposed by a Twitter user with a lot of time on their hands.

They learned that by slowing down Adele’s hit “Hello”, the truth reveals itself. 

Whatevs. I still haven’t moved on from the Miley/Justin theory to process this.

But seriously, I don’t want to live on this planet any more.

The people making up these theories should go back to eating Tide pods.

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Why is this imbecile a thing?

We’ve gotten to the point now where the name Logan Paul has become more synonymous with a piece of shit than toilet paper. So it should be no great shock that he’s in trouble again for his insufferable antics.

On Monday, 22-year-turd Logan uploaded a video of himself and two friends finding two dead rats on his patio.

Logan declared: “No rat comes into my house without getting tased!” before whipping a taser from the waistband of his pants and zapping them.

He tases them again as their bodies go into the trash…

I’m not a credentialed psychiatrist, so it’s just my humble opinion that the respect a person shows for life includes how he treats the dead.

Logan Paul has 16.6 million subscribers… WTF society???? 

Dude is the reason why swallowing should be taught as an ACCEPTABLE alternative for pregnancy prevention. This one really should have been a period…

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Whatever Da Fuck happened to Erykah Badu

If you saw Erykah Badu’s name trending on the internet today and wondered why, I have bad news: it’s not because she showed up to an event in another awesome hat.

Erykah spoke to David Marchese for an interview with Vulture that was probably supposed to be about this and that, but quickly turned messy and she says that she sees the good in everyone, even Hitler!

Erykah talks about the Bill Cosby situation with Vulture, and normally that might be the touchiest point in an interview. But then Erykah outed herself as a non-Hitler hater.

You know you’re in a disaster of an interview when your support of Bill Cosby isn’t the part we’re cringing over.

Now, I understand that when talking about Cosby she tried to separate the entertainer from the criminal, but what’s the need to say something good about Hitler?

When the interviewer brought up an article from ten years ago in which she was linked to Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan and some anti-Semitic stuff he had allegedly said, she came up with this:

“I’m also okay with anything I had to say about Louis Farrakhan. But I’m not an anti-Semitic person. I don’t even know what anti-Semitic was before I was called it. I’m a humanist. I see good in everybody. I saw something good in Hitler…Yeah, I did. Hitler was a wonderful painter.”

Erykah added that Hitler had a terrible childhood and that might be why he turned out the way he turned out.

“I don’t care if the whole group says something, I’m going to be honest. I know I don’t have the most popular opinion sometimes. Why can’t I say what I’m saying? Because he did such terrible things?”

She said that she’s not anti-Semitic but Erykah’s Hitler thoughts are as bad as her career in the last 15 years… No more comments.

I still remember the Erykah Badu of the 90s and early 2000s, when she was a talented hypnotic performer. I had few of her albums in fact. Her image was eccentric yet elegant.

She is statuesque like a model, and she could have been one easily.

Fame is hard to handle for many, and drugs even more…

I can’t take seriously anyone who looks high on heroin or meth. That makes me judgemental perhaps, but I also see the good in people and Erykah is clearly fucked up!

I’m sure Stalin played wonderfully the piano, and Mao made some delicious rice.

Somebody please RESCUE HER!!

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Because Children Are The Future…

… Teenagers are eating TIDE LAUNDRY PODS!

It’s understandable that a toddler might chow down on one of those Tide laundry pods. They’re colorful and squishy. Senior citizens with dementia are understandable, too (unfortunately there’s been deaths).

But apparently schoolers becoming deathly ill from eating them to fulfill a YouTube CHALLENGE!

They ARE candy colorful, sure, and a challenge is a challenge but WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Finally, old people angrily shaking their walkers at “these goddamn kids” makes perfect sense.

It’s terrifying that this needs to be explained to an able-brained human who hopes to go on to college and then maybe rule the world. But just in case, show your child a pod and say “DO NOT EAT”.

Or have The Gronk tell them…

Darwinian awards!

I actually hope they keep it up so we can eradicate anymore future idiots.

Or more possible idiots becoming a president.

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Instant Cholesterol

I don’t know much about the personal details of the man who goes by L.A. Beast. But let’s make some broad assumptions, based only on his proper syntax, grooming, and seemingly lack of sociopath tendencies…

Mr. Beast was likely brought up in a happy household, with family members who love him very much. His parents probably had hopes and dreams, who instilled into him values and empathy, and wants nothing more than their son to live his best possible life.

Anyway, here he is eating eight sticks of butter on YouTube:

Mr. Beast claims to have broken a record held by competitive eater Don Lerman, who in 2002 downed seven sticks of butter in five minutes…. BARF!!

L.A. Beast was able to consume eight sticks in just over three minutes. Based on some google calculations, eight sticks of butter equals to 6,480 calories and 736 grams of fat.

My arteries hurt!!

If you see this man please offer him a hug.

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Generous

Mauricio… At this point, you may think I’m a slut but it’s not my fault this city is packed with hot guys that happen to like me for unknown reasons. In my ugliness I consider myself appealing, and I guess that’s good enough for horny boys and assorted predators.

Yes! I’m a victim of my charms.

So, Mauricio… Mauricio is a character out of some twisted Almodovar movie.

Mauricio asked me out the other day, he found me somewhere (not saying where) and I accepted because, YOLO!

Little did I know Mauricio actually has a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. Not to mention Mauricio is also an escort… ESCANDALO!!! Bitch is a very sexual hooker, but I’m an old vampire and I don’t get intimidated easily, specially not about sex.

He may be a whore but he’s only 23 and I’m immortal!

That said, after I asked him what he wanted from me, he said “You’re hot, want some fun?” I was a bit incredulous, and told him “I don’t pay for sex”… he laughed. “It’s obvious you don’t, but I’d pay you” making me realised for the thousandth time I would be rich if I were a hooker like him ’cause guys always offer me money for sex.

And if you don’t believe me it happened again today AT 7AM, because I’m cursed to find love, while men in heat know no rest.

Anyhow, since I was upset at Marc because he cancelled me again (for the last time. I told him to piss off!) I accepted to see Mauricio.

We didn’t have sex but I let him eat me out and show me his skills… He is obviously hot, and he wasn’t bad at eating my ass (which he praised) but I didn’t want him to fuck me, and he respected my decision like a gentleman.

I liked that. I liked his honesty and regardless of how he conducts his life, I value that.

Mauricio is not someone I need, but he wants to see me again today FREE OF CHARGE!!

I don’t know… I told him to text me later ’cause only god knows if a “decent” man will ask me on a date today and try to fuck me for free like most of them attempt.

Clearly, if there’s something more generous than a hooker, that’s me!

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Crossushi…

If Julia Child was still kicking today and cooking her French ways on TV, she’d start each show going to her local fish market for some tobiko and salmon skin since sushi is apparently now penetrating croissants in the year’s first food trend. Quelle horreur!

The Los Angeles Times reports that Mr. Holmes Bakehouse, which has restaurants in California and Seoul, is serving the “California Croissant.” What, daresay, is a California Croissant, you ask? Everything nobody in their right mind ever asked for!

It’s a croissant topped with sesame seeds and stuffed with smoked salmon, ginger, wasabi, and seaweed… BARF!!

To the people who will line up for this:

Croissant and sushi are two things I love but NOT together.

This is a goddamn ABOMINATION!

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