Tag Archives: Bitch Please

Does Forbes know what Self Made means?

Whatever picture was hanging on the largest wall in Kris Jenner’s office (possibly a blown-up still from Kim’s porno) has surely been taken down today and replaced with a giant, framed picture of her youngest and most lucrative money maker on the cover of this month’s issue of Forbes.

Last year it was reported that Kylie Jenner’s makeup company made $420 million in 18 months of retail sales. A year later, and Kylie Cosmetics has more than doubled their sales at $900 million. According to Forbes, 20-year-old Kylie is on her way to becoming the youngest self-made billionaire.

As the term “self-made” usually conjures images of either two old-timey dudes labouring away in a basement in an episode of Drunk History inventing tampons or whatever, or Mark Zuckerberg creating Facebook, or Evan Spiegel creating that nude trade app called Snapchat, people are generally laughing in Kylie’s privileged entitled engorged botched face on the magazine’s cover because born into extreme wealth & instant fame is the exact opposite of “self made”.

Kylie Jenner is also already the youngest person on Forbes’ list of the richest self-made women in America, and clocks in higher than her sister and higher than… Judge Judy!! Which should be qualified as a crime against humanity.

Now, I seriously have nothing against that blow up doll, except the fact she insist on trademarking her name “kylie” when she already lost that battle with the ONLY & ORIGINAL… KYLIE!!!

So yeah,  its been a real struggle and she has worked SO hard to get where she is… This bitch can’t even put a coherent sentence together and we are to believe she is “self made”.

Oprah is self-made. This hooker? Nah.

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Disco Butchery

Do you love the classic disco song September by Earth, Wind & Fire but always wished it was just a little shittier? Well, you’re in luck ’cause Taylor Swift just covered for Spotify’s Singles series.

Instead of evoking feelings of  joy, nostalgia, love and sexy fun, it evokes feelings of asthma attacks, stale beer honky tonks and suicidal ideation!

I’m sorry to do this to you but you might as well get it over with.

Ready? One, two, three HIT PLAY!

No, no and fuck no! Leave that tune alone!!

I promised myself not to know what is a Cardi B and under no circumstances will I allow myself to enjoy that mayonnaise version of an EW&F classic.

Don’t get me wrong the kid is talented, BUT she sucked every last bit of soul out of that celebratory song. This is similar to when Adele turned George Michael’s “Fastlove” into a weepy, tuneless dirge… Just NO!!

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DISASTROUS

It was all supposed to be so simple… Go to India, show off our Indo-Canadian cabinet ministers, sign a trade agreement or two and cap it all off by gladhanding with everyone’s favourite world leader, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi.

Instead, trying-hard Canadian Prime Minister turned into a Bollywood parade of foreign gaffes.

The first days politicians refused to meet him (due to Trudeau’s support of Sikh separatist groups,) Trudeau was in India for several days without seeing the country’s Prime Minister… But this isn’t all that unusual.

India is a populous, emerging economy that generally has better things to do than hang around with the now  attention-whore America Junior.

Still, after numerous hug-saturated foreign trips, it’s a little discordant that Trudeau was brushed off by the huggiest leader in Indian history.

Seriously, dude hugs whatever moves…

Anyhow, the fact is Trudeau was acting like a clown ruining the honourable image of Canada with his tackiness.

But the gaffe-prone visit morphed into a full-blown foreign policy disaster when Surrey, B.C., businessman Jaspal Atwal was invited to a Canadian diplomatic event Tuesday where he was photographed next to both Sophie Gregoire Trudeau…

Atwal is also a convicted terrorist, having attempted to assassinate a Punjabi cabinet minister in 1986 while the latter was visiting B.C. Atwal was also charged, but not convicted, in the vicious 1985 beating of Ujjal Dosanjh, a vocal anti-extremist and later Liberal cabinet minister.

Keep in mind that this visit is happening amid widespread Indian accusations that Canada is nurturing a resurgence of extremist Sikh terrorism… And that the government is too incompetent to notice.

This was nothing more than a family vacation at our expense with a heavy dose of indecorum.

I guess, we can finally all agree that when it comes to World Leaders Justin Trudeau is without a doubt proven himself over and over again that he is NO LEADER whatsoever. 

The good news is, we can dump him the next election!

On behalf of my fellow Canadians, I apologise for all the embarrassment.

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Reality Check

As you know Ricardo is one of my most recent flings. Dude is very hetero despite his good intentions, and by that I mean he overthink too much wasting his chances and my time.

Of all of the straight and bisexual guys I’ve been (I am) with, he’s the less impulsive, yet he has something I like and that’s his level of fantasy… Fantasies that feed his lust thinking of me as his ladyboy.

Even though for some could be denigrating, for me is entertaining ’cause (I’m actually old as dust to be called a boyit’s always fun to see how someone really is underneath the layers of social decency. 

Many times, the image one projects is unmasked during sex.

However, all the fun could be over soon ’cause although I’m always willing to please his demands, he is not so eager to please mine and THAT is where the amusement ends to show him who’s the boss in bed… So yeah, we had an issue yesterday and he’s warned.

As I said, it’s fun to explore fantasies but NOT when satisfies only one person. He has a fun imagination but selfish lovers can go unload somewhere else.

I have too many of them to break my head with stupid men.

Reality check, bitch! 

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Speaking Of Villains….

We already know that the President of the United States is an incredibly healthy stable genius who respects women and would never cheat on his wife.

And you can’t go claiming these facts are “fake news” because we learned them direct from the horse’s ass (or “rear facing mouth” if you want to be technical about it). 

Donald Trump is a beacon of good health and septuagenarian vigour, that’s why it’s so surprising to see this great man brought low by something so seemingly benign as a stiff breeze. But that’s just what happened to the leader of the free world (sorry world).

Trump takes great pride in his hair and has repeatedly insisted that he does not wear a wig… Here’s the day America lost its innocence:

Even his hair is trying to quit this bitch.

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The Magnificent & The Insignificant

If you ever find yourself becoming a Disney princess and you need to get yourself the mandatory animal sidekick/buddy, choose a peacock. They look fabulous, are always ready for the club and if anyone fucks with you, they’ll rage peck them, their mom, their dad, their kid, their cousin, their auntie, etc… Peacocks are the kind of diva you don’t fuck with.

So because peacocks can be mean bitches, I’m not sure why someone would want them for an “emotional support pet” but one woman does and United Airlines wasn’t having it…

Despite being warned three times that Dexter the peacock would not be allowed to travel with her, conceptual artist Ventiko showed up at the airport anyway.

Dexter was promptly turned away by United Airlines, but not before creating a spectacle in the airport and igniting a fierce debate about the merits of emotional support animals and people’s perceived abuse of the system that allows them to travel.

Dexter, who has his own Instagram page (that should explain everything too), and Ventiko had to settle for driving all the way from New Jersey to California.

When you add up all the details in this saga, it looks like nothing but an stunt!!

Yup, I do understand the whole concept of emotional support animals. But truly, Dexter human bought him for an art installation and now, all of a sudden, he is her support animal? BIG FARCE! 

Dexter is too magnificent and too precious for the insignificance of his human. Not to mention jerks always ruin it for the people who have a real condition and need.

On a personal note, I would rather have Dexter as a seat mate vs the trashy species that fly with filthy clothes, or in pyjamas nowadays.

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Believe Me

Few days ago was the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump being inaugurated as President of the United States.

Rather than focus on the more than two thousand documented lies he has told in office, The Washington Monthly instead published an article (link here) that highlights some of Trump’s most preposterous lies and how he so often bookends these by saying one or several times “believe me.”

Some highlights:

“Because I’m going to be working for you, I’m not going to have time to go play golf. Believe me. Believe me folks.”

“And you know what else? I have great respect for women, believe me.”

“Believe me, I’ll change things. And again, we’re going to be so respected.”

“I will do everything in my power to protect our LGBTQ citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology. Believe me.”

“We will not answer to donors or lobbyists or special interests, but we will serve the citizens of the United States of America, believe me.”

“The world is in trouble, but we’re going to straighten it out. OK? That’s what I do. I fix things. We’re going to straighten it out. Believe me.”

“We will terminate Obamacare and replace it, believe me, with something good.”

“I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. I would have Mexico pay for it. Believe me, they will pay for it.”

This brings us to an easy conclusion:

When Trump says “believe me” he’s really saying I’M LYING.

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