Tag Archives: Do You Need Some Attention?

Internet Theory: Sam Smith And Adele Are The Same Person

The C.I.A. (computer investigation alliance), that secret cabal of internet sleuths who cracked the case of the Melania Trump body double WIDE OPEN, have made an exciting new discovery! (Nor really).

Have you ever noticed that you’ve never seen Sam Smith and Adele together in the same room? Didn’t think so.

Are you sitting down? A TwAtter user has proof that Adele and Sam are actually the person.

According to The Huffington Post, the earth shattering theory was first proposed by a Twitter user with a lot of time on their hands.

They learned that by slowing down Adele’s hit “Hello”, the truth reveals itself. 

Whatevs. I still haven’t moved on from the Miley/Justin theory to process this.

But seriously, I don’t want to live on this planet any more.

The people making up these theories should go back to eating Tide pods.

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Lord Bates, Drama Queen

British politician Lord Michael Bates is a member of the House of the Lords and has been a minister at the Department for International Development since 2016. The Guardian says that yesterday at 15:00 GMT, Lord Bates was supposed to be in the House of the Lords chamber to answer questions about strategies for reducing inequality…

When the clock struck 15:00, Baroness Lister (Side note: British politicians have the hottest titles) of the Labour Party asked Lord Bates a question, but he wasn’t there to answer…

He showed up one minute later and because of that he quit his job as punishment to himself for arriving just 1 MINUTE LATE for a session.

You read that right, and dude is not even CANADIAN!!!

But we shouldn’t be surprised that a man named Lord Bates would be a big drama queen. 

He said that he holds himself and the other politicians up to the highest standards when it comes to respect, and he cannot allow himself to be so fucking disrespectful.

Meanwhile in America, their current POOTUS (on-purpose typo and it stays) could show up 4 hours late to a session and shit on the table before wiping his shit in everyone’s faces while burping, and he wouldn’t apologise or get in trouble.

But back to the Lords…

The real question here is why would you ask a question of someone not there? 

Passive aggressive witch! Anyway, Lord Bates still got his job ’cause British Prime Minster Theresa May rejected his resignation. 

Too bad his title wasn’t Master. The headlines would have been GOLDEN!

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The Magnificent & The Insignificant

If you ever find yourself becoming a Disney princess and you need to get yourself the mandatory animal sidekick/buddy, choose a peacock. They look fabulous, are always ready for the club and if anyone fucks with you, they’ll rage peck them, their mom, their dad, their kid, their cousin, their auntie, etc… Peacocks are the kind of diva you don’t fuck with.

So because peacocks can be mean bitches, I’m not sure why someone would want them for an “emotional support pet” but one woman does and United Airlines wasn’t having it…

Despite being warned three times that Dexter the peacock would not be allowed to travel with her, conceptual artist Ventiko showed up at the airport anyway.

Dexter was promptly turned away by United Airlines, but not before creating a spectacle in the airport and igniting a fierce debate about the merits of emotional support animals and people’s perceived abuse of the system that allows them to travel.

Dexter, who has his own Instagram page (that should explain everything too), and Ventiko had to settle for driving all the way from New Jersey to California.

When you add up all the details in this saga, it looks like nothing but an stunt!!

Yup, I do understand the whole concept of emotional support animals. But truly, Dexter human bought him for an art installation and now, all of a sudden, he is her support animal? BIG FARCE! 

Dexter is too magnificent and too precious for the insignificance of his human. Not to mention jerks always ruin it for the people who have a real condition and need.

On a personal note, I would rather have Dexter as a seat mate vs the trashy species that fly with filthy clothes, or in pyjamas nowadays.

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Whatever Da Fuck happened to Erykah Badu

If you saw Erykah Badu’s name trending on the internet today and wondered why, I have bad news: it’s not because she showed up to an event in another awesome hat.

Erykah spoke to David Marchese for an interview with Vulture that was probably supposed to be about this and that, but quickly turned messy and she says that she sees the good in everyone, even Hitler!

Erykah talks about the Bill Cosby situation with Vulture, and normally that might be the touchiest point in an interview. But then Erykah outed herself as a non-Hitler hater.

You know you’re in a disaster of an interview when your support of Bill Cosby isn’t the part we’re cringing over.

Now, I understand that when talking about Cosby she tried to separate the entertainer from the criminal, but what’s the need to say something good about Hitler?

When the interviewer brought up an article from ten years ago in which she was linked to Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan and some anti-Semitic stuff he had allegedly said, she came up with this:

“I’m also okay with anything I had to say about Louis Farrakhan. But I’m not an anti-Semitic person. I don’t even know what anti-Semitic was before I was called it. I’m a humanist. I see good in everybody. I saw something good in Hitler…Yeah, I did. Hitler was a wonderful painter.”

Erykah added that Hitler had a terrible childhood and that might be why he turned out the way he turned out.

“I don’t care if the whole group says something, I’m going to be honest. I know I don’t have the most popular opinion sometimes. Why can’t I say what I’m saying? Because he did such terrible things?”

She said that she’s not anti-Semitic but Erykah’s Hitler thoughts are as bad as her career in the last 15 years… No more comments.

I still remember the Erykah Badu of the 90s and early 2000s, when she was a talented hypnotic performer. I had few of her albums in fact. Her image was eccentric yet elegant.

She is statuesque like a model, and she could have been one easily.

Fame is hard to handle for many, and drugs even more…

I can’t take seriously anyone who looks high on heroin or meth. That makes me judgemental perhaps, but I also see the good in people and Erykah is clearly fucked up!

I’m sure Stalin played wonderfully the piano, and Mao made some delicious rice.

Somebody please RESCUE HER!!

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The Past will Never Come Back

Before we get into this new komercial for Calvin Klein featuring the Jenndashian brothel playing a fun lobotomised version of the game “never have I ever,” let’s just give props for body inclusivity.

Twenty years ago Calvin Klein famously featured bulimic coked up models in their ads (with exceptions, of course) but now we’ve progressed to having a herd of mangled medical community practical jokes stretching the holy hell out of underwear together on a blanket. 

The members of the KarTrashians put their altered bodies and zombified personalities to the test in this kickoff video for Calvin’s new “Our Family” campaign.

  • Never have I ever taken a load on camera to advance my career. Kim
  • Never have I ever try to look like a fuck doll with all the alterations in my body. Kylie
  • Never have I ever inspired the look for the lead character in the Disney classic Beauty and the Beast. Khloé

The Kadashians are great for fun posts. 

But the reality is Calvin Klein died in the 90s, as Victoria’s Secret in the 2000s.

God created only one Kate Moss and Christy Turlington. And no male celebrity can beat the effortless hotness of a young Mark Wahlberg (aka Marky Mark).

Leaving the dark side of fashion aside, Calvin Klein was a thing of visual beauty that now RIP. Justin Bieber in undies? BARF!! Now these boring Kardashians… MEH!

Lingerie needs new brands and new faces, because the past will never come back.

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Because Children Are The Future…

… Teenagers are eating TIDE LAUNDRY PODS!

It’s understandable that a toddler might chow down on one of those Tide laundry pods. They’re colorful and squishy. Senior citizens with dementia are understandable, too (unfortunately there’s been deaths).

But apparently schoolers becoming deathly ill from eating them to fulfill a YouTube CHALLENGE!

They ARE candy colorful, sure, and a challenge is a challenge but WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Finally, old people angrily shaking their walkers at “these goddamn kids” makes perfect sense.

It’s terrifying that this needs to be explained to an able-brained human who hopes to go on to college and then maybe rule the world. But just in case, show your child a pod and say “DO NOT EAT”.

Or have The Gronk tell them…

Darwinian awards!

I actually hope they keep it up so we can eradicate anymore future idiots.

Or more possible idiots becoming a president.

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Instant Cholesterol

I don’t know much about the personal details of the man who goes by L.A. Beast. But let’s make some broad assumptions, based only on his proper syntax, grooming, and seemingly lack of sociopath tendencies…

Mr. Beast was likely brought up in a happy household, with family members who love him very much. His parents probably had hopes and dreams, who instilled into him values and empathy, and wants nothing more than their son to live his best possible life.

Anyway, here he is eating eight sticks of butter on YouTube:

Mr. Beast claims to have broken a record held by competitive eater Don Lerman, who in 2002 downed seven sticks of butter in five minutes…. BARF!!

L.A. Beast was able to consume eight sticks in just over three minutes. Based on some google calculations, eight sticks of butter equals to 6,480 calories and 736 grams of fat.

My arteries hurt!!

If you see this man please offer him a hug.

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