Tag Archives: Do You Need Some Attention?

Lips On Fire

People looking to hilarious medical experiment Kylie Jenner as their sensitivity spirit animal were shocked and even dismayed to see that she promoted her new Lip Kit line on Snapchat in front of televised news of the California wildfires that have claimed just under thirty lives. 

The living Bratz Doll appears in a selfie captioned “Autumn is available on KylieCosmetics.com” with the television screen in the background telling the equally important but slightly different story “Breaking News: Canyon Fire 2 Eyewitness News.” If she had included the word “lit” in her caption I would know that there’s a God. 

If Hollywood wasn’t Rapetown USA right now, with the deluge of Harvey Weinstein sexual assault accusations, Jenner’s snap might be making more of a splash on the Internet… Which is probably what she wanted because, attention-whores!

Anyhow, Kylie has a lot of catching up to do if she’s going to achieve the wow factor of her sister Kendall’s stupid ads.

Maybe walk up to a firefighter and offer him a Lip Kit? 

Jokes aside, I’m surprised that people keep assuming the Kards/Jenners think of anyone or anything other than themselves. 

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Petey, the horny Chicken-loving Peacock

In life, you’re either Petey, a peacock who gets a full-body boner for a hot chick(en). Or you’re the hot chicken who barely knows that Petey is a thing that exists on this planet and would rather take a nap than fuck that peacock.

The Symbio Wildlife Park in Sydney, Australia says that one of their residents, Petey the Peacock, has that gross lovey-dovey feeling in his peacock heart for a  chicken.

Petey is me at the gay land and that chicken is pretty much everybody else. They pretend I’m background as I stand there with “please love me” eyes while wiggling my ass because clearly, #4EverAlone.

I can’t really say that I blame the chicken, because Petey is kind of an attention whore and show off.

Oh, Petey, I’ve been there. Trust me, you don’t need that chicken.

All you need is some cheap wine, a thing of lube, a laptop that cleans easily, a WiFi connection, a SeanCody account and a highly absorbent rag to cry your lonely tears into afterwards. Hang in there champ!!! 

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Tila Tequila Anti-Muslim Crusader

When missionary and Tila Tequila are in the same sentence and it means spreading her beliefs instead of her legs it’s a clear sign the world is ending.

If you’re the same age of my lovers and you don’t know her, she was a Myspace (one of the first social networks) personality before Facebook arrives, and she was a big reality attention-whore before the KarTrashians take over the world.

And yes, she’s also made in America because, of course!

Tequila isn’t too brilliant. She believes JLo is just a “Mexican with money” and in a new video she’s focused her hate on “fake Christians,” Muslims, and anyone darker than she is.

She states that since becoming a mother (YES! This deranged person is someone’s mother) she now wants to play by the rules and laws of the land, conservative style.

She’s anti-porn with two unsuccessful sex-tapes under her belt.

Muslims at least have the support of anti-discrimination laws backing them from bigots. But when you come for the removal of places like Pornhub on the internet, you’ve just made things personal. 

I’m all for a hookers and rehab, but when you become a hater because your genitals didn’t make you rich and famous you need to stfu and at least make people remember you like the hot-trashy-Asian-slut from the early 2000s.

Definitely much nicer than a lunatic hooker.

This woman is in desperate need of psychological help!

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It’s All About You…

Business savvy bowl of expired plain yogurt Taylor Swift would capitalise on a national tragedy if she could. And, she basically has.

While some people waited in line for hours to donate blood to victims of Monday’s horrific Las Vegas shooting, the bazillionaire pop star was strategizing ways to get “Taylor Swift” to pop up in Google next to “Las Vegas Massacre…”  

And she succeeded by sending plants and flowers to the Los Angeles station of an out-of-town police officer wounded during the shooting. 

A woman at the station posted understandable excitement over the A-list interaction to Instagram, and today Swift beats out all fifty-eight victims for attention.

Nice try, victims!

Swift is often parodied for her shameless gift packages to suicidal Tumblr tweens.

Below the hotter version, QUEEN CHANEL!!!

If the Las Vegas shooting didn’t overlap Swift’s current tightly-curated rebranding, I think she’d probably get more involved. But her Instagram grid doesn’t leave room for improvisation…  It was the least you could do Taylor. Literally.

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Flying Saucer Cow Teat 

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a tiny uncut dick wearing a cow sombrero! No, no it’s an engorged clit busting through a flying cow plate. No, no, no it’s actually a flying saucer cow teat that squirts leche onto little kids. Duh, of course it is!

Eater says that this close encounter with the WTF kind obviously comes from the magnificent planet of horrifying fuckery that is Japan.

In the commercial, a bunch of shiny happy kids run onto a field just as a cow-print UFO appears above them and out flops a gigantic cow nipple that squirts milk into their cups.

Now if I was in the conference room when the ad executive pitched that idea, I’d smile nervously and grab my cell phone all secret-like and call the proper authorities under the table so that the sick bitch could end up on some kind of list!

But in Japan, that idea became a commercial that is airing on TV because, JAPAN!!!

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Big Nazi BITCH Sobs On Camera After Being Told He’s Wanted By The Police: “I’m Terrified!”

Christopher Cantwell, the same vicious FUCKTARD Nazi seen here, has posted a sobbing video after being told that there’s a warrant out for his arrest. Cantwell claims he’s “terrified” the police will murder him if he turns himself in… because it’s all fun and games until your mom wants her sheets back.

Raw Story reports:

“I called the Charlottesville Police Department,” Cantwell said, “and said, ‘I have been told there’s a warrant out for my arrest. They said they wouldn’t confirm it but that I could find this out I could go to a magistrate or whatever.”

“With everything that’s happening, I don’t think it’s very wise for me to go anywhere,” he continued. “There’s a state of emergency, the National Guard is here!” He kept breaking off to wipe away tears, saying, “I don’t know what to do. I need guidance.”

“Our enemies will not stop, they’ve been threatening us all over the place,” he whined before freaking out that Chelsea Manning is threatening to “curb stomp” Nazis.

“You have no testosterone!”

 

These bastards are only brave in groups. Send them to fight ISIS, send them to fight drug lords and see how brave they are. 

Have fun in prison with a big black cock deep in your boyhole, bitch!

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Speaking Of Dick…

Not since the scrunchie or the banana clip, has there been such a simple and tasteful hair tool that lets everyone know that you’re both practical and appreciate classic style.

Posted on Instagram by stylist Sheff Pavel, and not much to say about it (because it’s kind of hard to type words while you’re licking the screen).

If you don’t have time to fuck with your hair, just put it into a ponytail with help from the gorgeous peen and huevos hair tie (which is fitting since that thing is hung like a pony) and wear it with pride.

It’s also the perfect thing to wear if you want to tell the world that you’ve always got dick on the brain, or in this case, dick on the hair.

2 words: Pure elegance!!!

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