Tag Archives: Do You Need Some Attention?

Why everyone is so Shocked and Upset?

Yesterday on the internet every single page had Ariana Grande on the news.

At first I thought she died. But then I realised society was just being dumb.  

Ever since she broke up with the meth face guy, Ariana have followed up her always-in-the-media relationship campaign with a mostly-in-the-media break up tour.

Apparently, her show is not over. Now she has moved into the next phase of her post-engagement renaissance: a dramatic haircut!

She revealed the “dramatic change” to everyone on Instagram.

And I put the words “dramatic change” in quotations because, what? I need someone to explain why everyone is so shocked and upset about this?

Some of her fans were commenting such extreme reactions as: “OMGOGMGOG” and “Noooooooooooooooooooo”.

What I want to know is: do these people really think all that hair was HERS and didn’t involve just  removing some extensions and a fake pony tail? 

No wonder some people believe the Kardashians are “natural”.

Anyway, now she doesn’t have to mess with it during oral.

On the other hand, she looks like 12 with all those idiotic snapchat filters.

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From 69 To 49…

Men have a very narrow window in which they can get a fair shake in life.

They’re at the peak of their powers between the ages 40 and 60. Any man below the age of 40 isn’t taken seriously, and sadly, any man over the age of 60 is practically invisible.

It’s not fair, and it’s not right, but it just is. And has been for centuries.

Well, one man is saying no more!

According to The Telegraph, Emile Ratelband, who is from The Netherlands, isn’t going to take his oppression sitting down. He’s filed a lawsuit asking the court to allow him to change his biological age, which is 69, to his heart age, which is 49 (metaphorically of course, his actual heart is also 69).

And he’s using the argument that transgender people can legally amend their sex, so he should have the right to change his age, which is fucking up his Tinder game.

Emile was sick and tired of being 69 (which, bro, that is obviously the BEST age, you fool!) and tried to get his local government to allow him to legally change it to 49, which is how old he feels.

Emile claims his doctor told him that he had the body of a 45-year-old… And Emile finds he doesn’t get the respect or attention his young body deserves…

You know, I’m an old vampire and I get Emile but he’s way too delusional.

He can lie about his age all he wants and he can get his age changed legally. BUT, his face is telling me 75!!! The official number isn’t going to change anyone’s boner.

Time to grow up before you’re dust in a box in someone’s closet, son!

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Satanists Are Suing Netflix

Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is getting sued by The Satanic Temple.

Are they suing them because we really did not need a remake of another beloved 90s show just with a dark twist?

No. They’re suing them for using their copyrighted monument design and also misrepresenting the deity as “something evil”. Satanists suing for suggesting Satan is evil? Hmm…

A bit late for that, methinks.

The Cut is reporting that The Satanic Temple’s co-founder Lucien Greaves sent out a tweet about The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina being total trash and that they would be calling their lawyers:

The legal specifics have not been reported, but Lucien wants Netflix to remove the statue from their show, also confirming that the Satanists lawyers (which they probably have a ton of… get it? Because lawyers go to Hell?) have sent a letter to Netflix telling them to cease and desist.

The Satanic Temple co-founder, Malcom Jarry also chimed in, saying: “If a resolution cannot be worked out, we will take aggressive actions to protect our copyright.”

HAHAHAHA okay….

I swear that whole country has gone NUTS, just friggin nuts!

As for the Satanists I would have thought they would have done some sinister/evil shit instead of calling their lawyers?

Those fools at Netflix should have really thought twice before messing with Satan.

That’s right, honey! This ain’t no game! Even Satan wants his 10%.

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His poor Insides

Professional food gorger and Matt Stonie’s stomach and bowels have probably tried to quit his body by escaping out of his ass so many times that every time he does one of his crazy food binge challenges for his YouTube channel, he has to plug up his culo with an extra-strength plug and tape it down with several layers of duct tape.

Dude probably added a few more layers of duct tape after he heard his stomach and bowels scream “WHYYYY!!!????” after he let them know he was going to hit them with 324 feet of Fruit By The Foot.

For his latest ass-destroying stunt, Matt made a gigantic Diabetes-summoning wheel of Fruit By The Foot by putting together 108 packs.

All together, that’s 324 feet of 1,080 grams of sugar and 8,640 calories

I would say that Matt should’ve had forty five shots of insulin standing by, but just being near that Sugar Wheel of Horror would make any insulin syringe explode.

My thoughts and prayers are with Matt’s toilet.

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Megyn Kelly’s doesn’t understand why Is Blackface Racist

Who but Megyn Kelly, staunch defender of Santa Claus’s Right to Be White, could be trusted to declare something as decidedly racist as blackface isn’t actually racist at all?

Kelly tackled minstrelsy Tuesday morning on Megyn Kelly Today, a very bad program that has netted her a salary so big… What is racist?” she declared to the panel full of white people she convened to discuss offensive Halloween costumes.

“On Halloween you’ve got guys with fake axes coming out of their heads. It’s going to be jarring.”

Never mind that fake axes and gore don’t have the same dehumanizing history as blackface, because when Kelly was a kid, blackface was “okay,” and as a very wise “not” racist woman who may or may not have also been Megyn Kelly once said about Santa Claus, “Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change.”

You have to be truly tone deaf, out-of-touch and in your own privileged bubble to not understand why blackface is racist, especially at a time when a lot of black men and women in America get shot and killed on the daily by the people who are supposed to protect them for the very reason that they are black.

Megyn’s internal logic must work this way:

Racist = bad. White people = not bad. Therefore white people cannot be racist.

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Marilyn Manson-Faced Dildos

Eff the Great Pumpkin, nothing says “Happy Halloween!” like Marilyn Manson’s face on a dildo! UpRoxx reports that the sad clown of nu-metal unveiled some new Marilyn Manson-branded swag on Instagram yesterday.

In addition to stencils for putting Marilyn’s insignia on your jack-o-lanterns, you can also get a fake dick bearing his face for each of your favourite orifices! As his hashtag says, #dickortreat!

This is probably not the best item to hand out to the kiddies who come to your door on All Hallows Eve. You should probably stick with fun size Snickers or toothbrushes .

It’s not because it’s that perverted ’cause kids will probably go “meh” and toss that useless piece of plastic in the gutter. It’s more like Marilyn Manson ceased being edgy a long time ago we don’t want him relevant again.

No one wants that, as no one wants sexy mass murders either.

Or this image from hell:

Halloween is that one day in the Gregorian calendar to be cute…

Go away Marilyn!

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Neon Mess

Just like that Saint George statue and, of course, the legendary fucked-up beauty Ecce Homo, a statue in Spain has gotten a glamorous makeover and was taken from “bland basic bitches” to stunningly gorgeous cholita ravers.

The artist responsible for splattering layers of neon charisma and beauty onto Mary, Jesus, and St. Anne is María Luisa Menéndez, a tobacco shop owner in the teeny tiny village of El Rañadorio in northwestern Spain.

The 15th century statues live in a shrine in the village’s chapel. They were professionally restored 15 years ago, but The Guardian says that María Luisa felt like they needed a fresh summer look and got permission from the parish priest to do it.

So Salvador Dali’s long-lost cousin pulled out the finest paints money can buy (read: cheap ass preschool paints) and spent 18 hours a day for three years (read: probably 15 minutes total) painstakingly glamour-ing Mary, Jesus, and St. Anne.

Mary, Jesus, and St. Anne are probably up in heaven right now, touching up their exquisite brows with a Sharpie while saying, “FINALLY, somebody captured us in our true form!”

But jokes aside, when I found the article online I thought it was about some plastic nativity from the 80s, not realising it was a WOODEN statue from 600 years ago!

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