Archives for posts with tag: Do You Need Some Help?

CROCS FANNY PACKS…

If you can hear over the sound of my heaving, you’ll hear the demons of Hell clapping as Satan takes a bow for outdoing himself.

Balenciaga, Christopher Kane, and Post Malone all got luxury suites in Hell’s Special Place named after them for doing Satan’s work by spreading the horrifying virus known as CROCS.

And Japanese fashion brand Beams is about to get their own luxury suite in Hell’s Special Place named after them too, because they have made a fanny pack for Crocs.

To think, fanny packs used to be the epitome of raw sex and one sight of them would make panties drop. Throw them on some Crocs, and they still make panties drop, but only because the sight of them makes people want to drop a shit in disgust!

Look at that $53 unholiness!

It looks like the gnarliest of warts stuck to Satan’s hoof:

What do you even need a Crocs fanny pack for? To hold condoms since you’ll get so much ass from wearing a double dose of potent hot sexiness? Definitely no.

Or maybe it’s to hold a piece of chalk, because when a mortal immediately dies in front of you from the sight of that ugliness, you’ll want to draw a pentagram around your newest human sacrifice to your lord Satan? Definitely yes!

Heinz has taken a page out of Pizza Hunt’s handbook and has whipped up some 100 proof fuckery in the name of a little media attention.

For Valentine’s Day, Heinz gave away tiny jars of tomato ovary eggs, and now they’ve decided to attack Jesus by releasing a pure abomination for his resurrection day.

Jesus is going to show up again to slap down those sucio pieces of trash at Heinz for desecrating holy mayonnaise like this.

Yes, Jesus loves mayo. Anybody with taste does!

Mayonnaise is made from egg whites, and Cadbury Creme Eggs are made from sugar, sugar, more sugar, even more sugar, keep going with the sugar, a drop of egg whites, and enough sugar to kill Augustus Gloop.

So because it has some egg whites in it, Heinz decided to make mayonnaise out of it.

They have mixed together Cadbury Creme Eggs and a dollop of Heinz mayo for Seriously Good Creme Egg Mayo.

Those foolery-makers at Heinz must be so fucked up in the brains that they don’t know how to spell “gross” and spelled it as “good.”

Some things just don’t belong together, like Chris Brown and any living thing, dick cheese and cake (dick cheese cheesecake!), and now mayo and Cadbury Creme.

That’s a level of wrongness for which there are no words.

CBS News reports:

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Wednesday that she believes God wanted Donald Trump to become president. Sanders said she believes God calls everyone to fill different roles, and that he wanted Mr. Trump to lead the country.

“I think God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times and I think that he wanted Donald Trump to become president, and that’s why he’s there and I think he has done a tremendous job in supporting a lot of the things that people of faith really care about.”

Sanders didn’t expand — and wasn’t pressed — on whether she believes God has also selected previous presidents, like Barack Obama, whom Mr. Trump often bashes.

CBN was founded by Pat Robertson.

Okay… This exactly why that government is a mess!!

In the Bible religious people abandoned their god to worship a golden calf. Now they worship an orange jackass.

Oh Sanders, you will burn in Hell.

Meanwhile in the American news, a dude in Salinas, CA got caught on a Ring.com cam licking a doorbell for three hour…

I see all you horny trollops looking for his name and number after reading that he licked that lucky doorbell for three hours.

You can stop looking, because yeah, he may have licked the doorbell for three hours, but it didn’t go off and nobody came!

Just like his President, dude is a fraud.

This is beyond disappointing.

Ellen DeGeneres, one of the most famous and powerful queer people in the world, has extended herself mightily to exonerate Kevin Hart for his past homophobia, seeming to overlook the fact that he claims to have apologised back in the day (but didn’t) and that he is still extremely defensive, not apologetic.

On her show, he said that he’s apologised and admitted that those tweets were wrong and felt that stepping down from the hosting gig was the right thing to do because he didn’t want to take any attention away from the nominees. That’s when Ellen, who looked like she was minutes away from putting her hand up to his mouth and saying “I’mma let you finish” the entire time, finally had a chance to add her two cents.

“What we’re going to get to see on stage with you hosting the Oscars is sophistication, class, hilarity and you growing as a person,” she said. “Because most people would say, ‘I’m walking away … ’ For you to be the bigger man, for you to say I understand …and to not pay attention. There are so many haters out there. Whatever is going on in the internet, don’t pay attention to them. That’s a small group of people being very, very loud. We are a huge group of people who love you and want to see you host the Oscars.”

Really Ellen? Who is WE? Such a fucking victim he is!

This wasn’t some lame joke you could make a free speech argument out of, this was him saying he would hit his child if he sees them playing with dolls. Ignoring the homophobia (which BTW, seriously, Ellen, you of all people?) this was not a comedian in their “stage persona” attempting being funny or controversial. This was pure, unfiltered him bragging about threatening violence against another human being.

HE IS NOT FUNNY!

In yesterday’s Washington Post: Who Died and Made Ellen the Gay Pope?, appropriately bashing her for trying to speak for an entire community, to grant absolution she has no right to grant.

So…. Kathy Griffin’s comedy is “too mean” and precludes her from appearing on Ellen, but she’ll have on homophobe Hart and even advocate for him? What a fraud.

I’m all for second chances, but find Ellen’s hypocrisy in this instance to be pretty blatant.

And also, nobody wants to see a talentless runt host that shit!

Just because bestiality is illegal doesn’t mean you should feel ashamed for wanting to be naughty with a fish.

In fact, the The Shape of Water film probably spoke to your subconscious urges to sleep with a South American fish man.

The movie could have easily been a superhero movie if a man bitten by a radioactive piranha had more interesting superpowers than eating cats and fingers. I’ve seen some weird sexual situations but I still don’t get fish porn.

After the Shape of Water won Best Picture at the PlOpscars all 28 “Jewel of the Amazon” dildo replicas of fish man peen on Etsy sold out. That’s 28 humans too many that were secretly turned on at the sight of their pet goldfish.

I imagine a good majority of the persons who  purchased the plastic fish phallus look like your average burlesque show attendee. Or the hyper horny quiet girl who’s also into cosplay and sells sexy photosets to support her hobby.

Either way any human aroused by sea creatures is a deal breaker for me.

The French have officially proven that they can be as violent as Americans on Black Friday.

This week some supermarkets in France were advertising a special Nutella sale and people went absolutely crazy. According to witnesses, people were acting like animals, so the police had to intervene several times.

The jars which normally cost $7.25 were being sold for only $2.15…

WTF les francaises? Pourquoi êtes-vous FAT??

Consumerism, gluttony, immorality, and mental illness is what I see. It’s not possible someone decent and sane act this way. 

If Napoleon could resurrect, he would commit suicide in shame!