Archives for posts with tag: Fail

Seen on the picture dressed like a child beauty pageant queen about to do a dance performance of the Dixie Chicks’ White Trash Wedding, Madonna has queefed out Medellin, the first single off her new album Madame X.

Madge has taken a much-needed break from terrorising the corneas of her Instagram followers with beyond filtered selfies from creepy HELL and has been using her social media pages to tease her new album and new song with my ex-husband Maluma.

The beginning starts with some whispery cha cha chas and Madonna letting us know that she auto-tuned her voice more than she filters her Instagram selfies, and then it’s just 5 minutes of an intro.

I kept waiting for the damn song to start. I thought I was going to get the sequel to La Isla Bonita and instead I got La Isla BOREnita.

Dear Madge,
It’s okay to retire from making new music, and just perform your hits and classics at a Vegas Show. You know, the shit people actually want to hear and remember you by.

Sincerely,
All your original fans.

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Heinz has taken a page out of Pizza Hunt’s handbook and has whipped up some 100 proof fuckery in the name of a little media attention.

For Valentine’s Day, Heinz gave away tiny jars of tomato ovary eggs, and now they’ve decided to attack Jesus by releasing a pure abomination for his resurrection day.

Jesus is going to show up again to slap down those sucio pieces of trash at Heinz for desecrating holy mayonnaise like this.

Yes, Jesus loves mayo. Anybody with taste does!

Mayonnaise is made from egg whites, and Cadbury Creme Eggs are made from sugar, sugar, more sugar, even more sugar, keep going with the sugar, a drop of egg whites, and enough sugar to kill Augustus Gloop.

So because it has some egg whites in it, Heinz decided to make mayonnaise out of it.

They have mixed together Cadbury Creme Eggs and a dollop of Heinz mayo for Seriously Good Creme Egg Mayo.

Those foolery-makers at Heinz must be so fucked up in the brains that they don’t know how to spell “gross” and spelled it as “good.”

Some things just don’t belong together, like Chris Brown and any living thing, dick cheese and cake (dick cheese cheesecake!), and now mayo and Cadbury Creme.

That’s a level of wrongness for which there are no words.

From the Hollywood Reporter:

Asked whether she believes Wade Robson and James Safechuck, who accused Jackson of sexually abusing them for a number of years when they were children, Streisand replied, “Oh absolutely. That was too painful.” The singer and actress went on to describe Jackson as “very sweet, very childlike” when she met him a couple of times in person.

Considering the documentary’s depiction of Jackson, she said, “His sexual needs were his sexual needs, coming from whatever childhood he has or whatever DNA he has. You can say ‘molested’, but those children, as you heard say, they were thrilled to be there. They both married and they both have children, so it didn’t kill them.”

It didn’t kill them it only destroyed them from the inside out. And his ‘sexual needs’ were paedophilia, a crime and a horrific one at that!

Da fuck Barbra?! 

I’m not sure how Tumblr expected to get more views by disowning porn (which was a huge part of its existing community) but apparently their traffic has fall by over 150 million!!

Before the ban went into place on December 17th, Tumblr’s traffic was estimated at 521 million page views a month.

One month following the ban, and the platform’s traffic had dropped by 84 million.

Well, what did they expected?

Tumbrl was an amazing mix humour, porn, GIFs, and creativity that didn’t harm anyone, but quite the contrary. Made a lot of people laugh and decompress.

Tumblr shot themselves in the dick!

Now, I’ve been guilty of making terrible life-ruining mistakes like show affection to men, but even my dumb head knows that it’s probably not a good idea to ignore a barrier at a zoo to get a selfie with a JAGUAR unless I really want my obit to read: This dum dum died from being stupid!

But one woman at a zoo could’ve gotten sent to Jesus via a jaguar’s claw when she ignored a barrier to get a selfie with the big pussy.

Adam Wilkerson tells AZ Central that he, his mother, and two children were visiting the imprisoned animals at the Wildlife World Zoo, Aquarium and Safari Park in Litchfield Park, AZ, when they heard a woman screaming for help. They found the woman pinned up against a cage by a female jaguar who sunk her claw into the idiot’s arm. The jaguar attacked the woman after the woman jumped over a barrier between safety and the cage to take a selfie with her.

Adam and his mom are better than me, because I would’ve said to the woman-in-peril, “Girl, the fuck did you expect?”

Adam’s mom immediately grabbed a water bottle, pushed it through a hole in the cage, and tried to distract the jaguar. It worked. The jaguar took her mighty claw out of the woman’s arm, which allowed Adam to pull the lady away from the cage.

 

CNN says that the woman was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries and later released. She returned the next day to the zoo to apologize to the owner for the bad publicity and said she feels horrible about it. The jaguar is doing fine, and the zoo let us know that the cat won’t get an early kiss of death from the Grim Reaper:

Finally one where the animal is not blamed for human stupidity!

I just hope this sort of stupid doesn’t decide to breed.

I get it. College students live off of crappy fast food most days of their lives.

However, if you win a national championship doesn’t your belly deserve more than something designed to make you waste a day in the bathroom with the bubbleguts?

Donald Trump doesn’t seem to think so, because back in January he threw the best 13 year-old’s birthday party in history when he served up heart attack-inducing vittles to the Clemson Tigers.

I guess he figured a month was long enough to open the doors to McDonaldTrump’s once again and serve more heat lamp ready food to another group of athletes from North Dakota State University,who were in town celebrating their NCAA Football Championship Subdivision win.

However, they truly lost the battle of healthy eating once they walked into the White House to receive a bunch of dollar menu items on silver platters.

Truly, he’s sooo T.R.A.S.H. This is about what HE likes to eat. 

Call me crazy, but I don’t know many athletes who eat fucking fast-food!

Cheapest, Laziest, Easiest. Sums up Trump.

Before you put on your judging pants and clown on these people in China for engaging in fisticuffs over a damn StarFucks cup, clock the description (via CNN):

The company released a limited edition “Cat Paw Cup” in China this week, a double-walled tumbler with an interior shaped like a cat’s paw. When a drink is poured into it, the paw shape becomes apparent… “The paw shape becomes apparent”! 

Who wouldn’t punch someone over that?

A visual aid:

 
The cups went on sale on Tuesday for 199 yuan each ($30) and sold out that day. That’s when people started getting violent. Jesus, it’s not that serious, it’s like they were Hello Kitty or Jocelyn Wildenstein-branded.

Well, StarFucks cups are usually so boring and feature that dumb mermaid.

It goes to show you that inserting just a bit of whimsy in your products can cause bloodshed amongst idiots!

And that’s a sign that your product designers and marketing people need a bonus.