Tag Archives: Fail

PSA For The Obvious…

Some say that humans are the dumbest species to roam the land, but we are born with some natural instincts. Like we know that if we stick our hand in fire, we will end up with pork rind skin. And if we fuck John Mayer, we’ll end up all the way to the free clinic.

We also know that if you put your hand near a meat-eating creature who is always looking for its next meal, you’ll probably end up learning how to open up a jar of spaghetti sauce with your thighs since you’ll be down one hand.

That is why my brain shifted straight into “The fuck, girl?” gear while watching this video of a woman feeding a shark off the northwestern coast of Australia. And guess what? Feeding a shark is a shit idea.

CNN says that the woman was on the stern of a friend’s super yacht with some others, feeding fish to a group of tawny nurse sharks… Like the mess they’re named after they have been known to attack a trick periodically, and one of them bit at the finger that was waving right in front of its damn teeth, pulling the woman into the water.

Again, if you’re the kind of human who needs proof that feeding a shark isn’t a smart move unless you really want a pirate hook and don’t want to pay a doctor to amputate your hand, here you go:

Luckily, the woman lived and didn’t lose a finger. She did have to go to surgery, though, since she was left with a fracture and an infection.

Bitch isn’t mad at the shark for pulling a shark, she knows what she did was dumb.

Humans: 0 Sharks: All the points.

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The Canadian Stunt Criminals

Before we get into this mess, I just want to let you know that I do not condone turning to a life of crime by trying to use a stolen credit card at a Canadian convenience store in Spruce Grove, Alberta. but if you are going to turn to a life of crime by trying to use a stolen credit card at a Canadian convenience store in Spruce Grove, Alberta, and the cops are called, try to be as entertaining as Canada’s answer to Bonnie and Clyde!

CBC News says on Monday afternoon, a 29-year-old woman (aka Avril Lavigne if Avril Lavigne didn’t become rich and famous) and a 28-year-old dude (aka Justin Bieber if Justin Bieber never became rich and famous) strolled into the King Street Reddi Mart and tried to buy a can of sodie pop with a credit card. The card got declined several times, and the dude said that it was his girlfriend’s card and she was at work.

The store owner got suspicious and called the cops.

When the cops arrived, the dude (prepare to swoon over him doing the most gentlemanly thing imaginable) pushed his Bonnie toward the cops (and SWOON). The Canadian Bonnie and Clyde really didn’t want to get busted and tried their hardest to get out of being put into handcuffs. They ran all around the store and the Canadian Clyde eventually gave up when a cop pulled a taser gun on him.

But the Canadian Bonnie refused to let the Canadian Ham (that’s the Canadian equivalent of the pigs) take her in, and she went to the backroom where she found a ladder and climbed into the ceiling thinking she was a genius mastermind criminal who found the perfect escape route. The Ocean’s 8 chicks, who?

But well… the ceiling tiles just wouldn’t let her be great and she fell right into the paws of the cops. She has nothing to be embarrassed about, though, because she gave the internet the best grand entrance since Tandi Iman Dupree!

Slate did the lord’s work by giving the surveillance footage the soundtrack it needs:

And in case you missed that fall and A+++ landing, here you go:

I laughed to tears for several minutes watching that bitch.

I mean… Nobody, including the falling criminal angel, was seriously injured. I asked myself “HOW?!” and the only possible answers I came up with were: drugs, drugs, and drugs. Or she’s bionic. Or she’s lucky

The Canadian Bonnie & Clyde were both charged with using a stolen credit card, resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, attempting to disarm a police officer and resisting arrest from someone aiding the police.

I gotta say I’m surprised by how old and out of shape the Alberta officers look like. Police officers in Montreal are very young, fit and hot!

Anyway more than Canadian robbers, looks like Florida is missing 2 people. 

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Croatia Expose Argentina As The Greatest Possible Frauds With 3-0 Asskicking

As a South American is devastating to see our teams losing, but Peru was an illusion (now gone) Colombia incertitude, Brazil hope, and Argentina a miracle because they didn’t deserve to be there and Croatia showed us why today.

Argentina came into their second group stage game against Croatia today needing to bounce back from a frustrating, leaden 1-1 draw with Iceland. Instead, they got run off the pitch by a determined Croatia side, who spanked them 3-0 thanks to two horrifying defensive errors and one moment of world-class precision from Luka Modrić.

Argentina now face the very real possibility of a first-round exit, and they need several games to break their way in order to limp out of Group D. Whether or not that happens, let us not forget: this Argentina side is full of frauds, they’ve all let Lionel Messi down, and they deserve to go home. I was actually happy that Croatia kicked their butts.

I also celebrate the determination of Japan and Iceland.

It’s time to change the game. Congrats Croatia!!!!

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The Fascist States of America

Yesterday I took a moment from my vacations to read some news, I was expecting the usual foolery but nothing so extreme as the United States separating migrants children from their parents and quitting the UN Human Rights Council. 

I won’t make it too long. The video below reflects a collective feeling.

Kids today, black people tomorrow, gay people the day after.

This is how right-wing politics work.

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Saudi Arabia: Where drones have more rights than women

Every once in a while something so ridiculous happens that people from all walks of life can set aside their differences and join in mocking the offending dumbass or dumbasses.

It’s like the I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke commercial, except less scary and cult-y.

The viral video currently uniting us all in bitchery comes from a Saudi Arabian fashion show that used drones instead of models to display the clothing.

The drones drag around the fluttering dresses draped out over plastic hangers with all the grace of a plastic bag on a tornado, and in some cases of a Dementor. 

I truly don’t get that people… If they don’t allow the women to wear them, what’s the point of advertising this kind of clothing there?

I guess it’s clear that in Saudi Arabia drones have more rights than women.

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This Lying Bitch…

The Hill reports:

President Trump fired back at Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Friday after Trudeau called Thursday’s implementation of U.S. tariffs on steel and aluminum an affront to Canadian soldiers who died serving alongside their U.S. compatriots.

Trump accused Canada’s government of treating U.S. agricultural interests “very poorly” in a tweet, adding that the country was “highly restrictive on trade.”

Trump’s statement on Canada’s surplus with the U.S. is inaccurate (read: A LIE,) as the Office of the U.S. Trade Representative stated in March that the U.S. has an overall trade surplus with Canada.

It’s anyone actually surprised by his lies??? 

Trudeau’s reply to the egomaniacal orange lying bitch should be two words, and two words only: “Fuddle-duddle”

Canadian for FUCK OFF!

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Shit-Shirt

Balenciaga once again proved that “Balenciaga” is Spanish for “trolling stupid label fuckers by selling ugly overpriced shit to them.”  They already pranked the world with a $2,145 hideous knock-off of the luxurious IKEA bag, and made HELL a bigger place on earth by creating CROCS on steroids.

And now, everyone at Balenciaga is cackling into the air as messes with too much money pre-order the $1,290 double shirt that looks like a 99 cent Salvation Army button-up sloppily stapled to a $3.99 clearance section t-shirt from Kmart.

You know… I applaud those who fleece these fools of their money.

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