Archives for posts with tag: Gross

CROCS FANNY PACKS…

If you can hear over the sound of my heaving, you’ll hear the demons of Hell clapping as Satan takes a bow for outdoing himself.

Balenciaga, Christopher Kane, and Post Malone all got luxury suites in Hell’s Special Place named after them for doing Satan’s work by spreading the horrifying virus known as CROCS.

And Japanese fashion brand Beams is about to get their own luxury suite in Hell’s Special Place named after them too, because they have made a fanny pack for Crocs.

To think, fanny packs used to be the epitome of raw sex and one sight of them would make panties drop. Throw them on some Crocs, and they still make panties drop, but only because the sight of them makes people want to drop a shit in disgust!

Look at that $53 unholiness!

It looks like the gnarliest of warts stuck to Satan’s hoof:

What do you even need a Crocs fanny pack for? To hold condoms since you’ll get so much ass from wearing a double dose of potent hot sexiness? Definitely no.

Or maybe it’s to hold a piece of chalk, because when a mortal immediately dies in front of you from the sight of that ugliness, you’ll want to draw a pentagram around your newest human sacrifice to your lord Satan? Definitely yes!

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Heinz has taken a page out of Pizza Hunt’s handbook and has whipped up some 100 proof fuckery in the name of a little media attention.

For Valentine’s Day, Heinz gave away tiny jars of tomato ovary eggs, and now they’ve decided to attack Jesus by releasing a pure abomination for his resurrection day.

Jesus is going to show up again to slap down those sucio pieces of trash at Heinz for desecrating holy mayonnaise like this.

Yes, Jesus loves mayo. Anybody with taste does!

Mayonnaise is made from egg whites, and Cadbury Creme Eggs are made from sugar, sugar, more sugar, even more sugar, keep going with the sugar, a drop of egg whites, and enough sugar to kill Augustus Gloop.

So because it has some egg whites in it, Heinz decided to make mayonnaise out of it.

They have mixed together Cadbury Creme Eggs and a dollop of Heinz mayo for Seriously Good Creme Egg Mayo.

Those foolery-makers at Heinz must be so fucked up in the brains that they don’t know how to spell “gross” and spelled it as “good.”

Some things just don’t belong together, like Chris Brown and any living thing, dick cheese and cake (dick cheese cheesecake!), and now mayo and Cadbury Creme.

That’s a level of wrongness for which there are no words.

I get it. College students live off of crappy fast food most days of their lives.

However, if you win a national championship doesn’t your belly deserve more than something designed to make you waste a day in the bathroom with the bubbleguts?

Donald Trump doesn’t seem to think so, because back in January he threw the best 13 year-old’s birthday party in history when he served up heart attack-inducing vittles to the Clemson Tigers.

I guess he figured a month was long enough to open the doors to McDonaldTrump’s once again and serve more heat lamp ready food to another group of athletes from North Dakota State University,who were in town celebrating their NCAA Football Championship Subdivision win.

However, they truly lost the battle of healthy eating once they walked into the White House to receive a bunch of dollar menu items on silver platters.

Truly, he’s sooo T.R.A.S.H. This is about what HE likes to eat. 

Call me crazy, but I don’t know many athletes who eat fucking fast-food!

Cheapest, Laziest, Easiest. Sums up Trump.

You know, it wasn’t that long ago when RESPECTABLE former first lady Michelle Obama was trying desperately to assist in healthier eating habits for all Americans…

And then Donald Turd served cold, greasy fast food during a White Trash House dinner for the visiting national college football champion Clemson Tigers, because to hell what’s best for Americans!

He looks so pleased with his decision… And just so you’re aware this feast fit for Kings was comprised of burgers from some of your artery clogging favourites: McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King.

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders spoke out about the president’s decision to serve these college kids a Happy Meal buffet of bullshit by blaming the Democrats:

“Because the Democrats refuse to negotiate on border security, much of the residence staff at the White House is furloughed—so the president is personally paying for the event to be catered with some of everyone’s favorite fast foods.”

WHATEVER!!! 

I think I’m going to go blind from the amount of eye rolling this story has brought into my life…This team put on suits, boarded a plane, and travelled to eat some shit they passed by on their way to the airport.

I want to find every moron who voted for Habanero Hitler and smack the taste out their mouth. An absolute shit-show!

Whoever said dreams never come true needs to be slapped across the face with a stale burrito. Because Taco Bell Canada has decided to spice up everyone’s life by constructing a billboard that dispenses golden showers of gross delicious, gooey nacho cheese.

The billboard, known in fancy dining circles as the “Cheesiest Billboard” (fire the marketing team immediately, please) urges foodies to step up and bring whatever snack they desire to be slathered in glorious, processed cheesy abomination deliciousness.

But don’t get too excited though because the Cheesiest Billboard will only be on display on Saturday, January 19 from 11:30am-2:30pm at the Taco Bell flagship store in Toronto. So this obviously means you need to call out from work on Friday January 18 to prepare yourself for the yellow bukkake fest that will be Nacho Cheese Mania ’19 in Toronto.

And just to be on the safe side make sure you take that Monday off as well since you’ll probably spend the rest of that weekend in the washroom expelling those nacho demons from your body.

Jokes aside, that is the most American thing ever. How is it in Canada?!?

Meanwhile in the American news, a dude in Salinas, CA got caught on a Ring.com cam licking a doorbell for three hour…

I see all you horny trollops looking for his name and number after reading that he licked that lucky doorbell for three hours.

You can stop looking, because yeah, he may have licked the doorbell for three hours, but it didn’t go off and nobody came!

Just like his President, dude is a fraud.

Screw your New Year’s resolution, because the American multinational Costco is here to slather on some creamy goodness for bulking season.

The big-box Mecca and source of some Sunday brunch is known for its enormous stores and just-as enormous portions. If you’re ever needing a pack of 900 condoms or 300 hot dogs, Costco is the place to go!

It was only last summer when Costco said they were going to be “healthier” and stop selling their Polish sausage at their snack shack. It didn’t take long for the Costco executive board to recognise that, uh, this is Costco, so they’re now hawking a 7-pound bucket of Nutella for the bargain bin price of $22 because, USA!

Go big or go home, BRAH! 

And that my friends is why the obesity level is out of control over there.

In fact the first time I saw an obese was at 14 year old when I travelled to Miami for vacations and saw this huge man, drinking a huge “cup” (more like a bucket) of coke.

A diabetic coma for $22 is a very good price.