Tag Archives: Hot Mess

Tardy Bitch

First dates are always like walking on eggshells: you best keep the conversation light, dress impeccably, and above all don’t keep your trick waiting on you to arrive at the restaurant.

Well, Donald Trump must not have gotten that memo because on his first meeting with THE QUEEN yesterday, some are saying QE2 was left waiting around for Donald and Melania.

Vanity Fair says even though the Trump European tour as so far resulted in insulting just about every European leader, Queen Elizabeth is a woman of her word and still agreed to meet Trump, but it appears he may have forgotten when they agreed to get together since the American trash caused her to look at her watch:

A lot of analysts noted that the Trumps weren’t meeting any of the younger royals like Prince Harry & Co., and that may be because Maw Maw Liz is the one who can handle the real assholes of the world

On the other hand London wasn’t happy at all with President Shitler visit.

Truth be told, I feel for the Queen.

You know that poor woman didn’t want to be next to the fat orange idiot.

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Does Forbes know what Self Made means?

Whatever picture was hanging on the largest wall in Kris Jenner’s office (possibly a blown-up still from Kim’s porno) has surely been taken down today and replaced with a giant, framed picture of her youngest and most lucrative money maker on the cover of this month’s issue of Forbes.

Last year it was reported that Kylie Jenner’s makeup company made $420 million in 18 months of retail sales. A year later, and Kylie Cosmetics has more than doubled their sales at $900 million. According to Forbes, 20-year-old Kylie is on her way to becoming the youngest self-made billionaire.

As the term “self-made” usually conjures images of either two old-timey dudes labouring away in a basement in an episode of Drunk History inventing tampons or whatever, or Mark Zuckerberg creating Facebook, or Evan Spiegel creating that nude trade app called Snapchat, people are generally laughing in Kylie’s privileged entitled engorged botched face on the magazine’s cover because born into extreme wealth & instant fame is the exact opposite of “self made”.

Kylie Jenner is also already the youngest person on Forbes’ list of the richest self-made women in America, and clocks in higher than her sister and higher than… Judge Judy!! Which should be qualified as a crime against humanity.

Now, I seriously have nothing against that blow up doll, except the fact she insist on trademarking her name “kylie” when she already lost that battle with the ONLY & ORIGINAL… KYLIE!!!

So yeah,  its been a real struggle and she has worked SO hard to get where she is… This bitch can’t even put a coherent sentence together and we are to believe she is “self made”.

Oprah is self-made. This hooker? Nah.

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The U.S. Refuses To Stop Invading Canadian Waters

Relations between Canada and the United States continue to deteriorate. And as the situation becomes more tense between the two countries, their long border will be the site where much of that animosity unfolds.

Earlier this week, news broke that the United States Border Patrol has been entering Canadian waters to stop and interview fishing boats in the resource-rich Gulf of Maine.

Today, after the situation made headlines, the infamously tough American agency made clear that they plan to continue to carry out such intrusions.

Machias Seal Island lies between a grey area in the Canadian and American border which the USA has recently begun monitoring more closely.  

Though the island does not have people living there, the population is considered to be two. This is due to the Canadian Coast Guard taking shifts to spend 28 days on the island at a time for regular maintenance and management of the lighthouse.

It is also known that the population increases during the summer because of the University of New Brunswick. Researchers from the university and Canadian Wildlife Services come to study the Atlantic Puffin, which heavily inhabits Machias Seal Island. 

Unlike Canada, the United States does NOT help maintain the island but still believes that it is their property.

There’s no telling just how American policing of the waters in the Gulf of Maine will affect the Canadian fishing industry there, but this latest development is certainly the most confrontational move yet by the current American administration in its multi-faceted dispute with Canada.

Last month, Canadians were astonished to learn that not only can American border agents seize their cellphones, but that the border patrol had established checkpoints throughout New England to stop foreigners… Meanwhile thousand of Americans and assorted humans are crossing the Canadian border ILLEGALLY looking for asylum.

You know, Canada is too great of a country and too class act to deal with this bullshit.


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The Anti-Twerk Warrior Mom

This video from Reddit isn’t even half-a-minute-long, but for many Latinos, it sums up your entire teenhood years.

Two teenagers wanted to give the internet its 80,845,987th twerk show, so they positioned their twerkin’ butts in front of a webcam and twerked away.

But those amateurs fucked up and made a rookie mistake…

They didn’t wedge a chair under the doorknob so that mom couldn’t mess up their twerkin’ antics. EMBARRASSING!

Although, this chancleta-wielding twerk destroyer (the mom) is a pro, I bet she would’ve busted that door down in one swift move, and wouldn’t have let go of the laundry while doing so.

Not long after the girls tried to make it rain bitcoins with their twerkin’-for-the-internet moves, mom walked in and didn’t miss a beat when she pulled off her flip-flop and smacked the SUCIONESS out of those perras.

When it comes to chancleta slapping, this mom gets 10s all around.

She held firm onto that laundry, easily pulled off her weapon of choice, and perfectly busted out a walk-by-chancleta slappin’ before those girls could even realise the rage storm that was coming their way.

She came, she saw, she conquered with a chancla!

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Happy Belated Birthday, America

There have been many horror movies about clowns…

And now the entire world is living in one.

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PSA For The Obvious…

Some say that humans are the dumbest species to roam the land, but we are born with some natural instincts. Like we know that if we stick our hand in fire, we will end up with pork rind skin. And if we fuck John Mayer, we’ll end up all the way to the free clinic.

We also know that if you put your hand near a meat-eating creature who is always looking for its next meal, you’ll probably end up learning how to open up a jar of spaghetti sauce with your thighs since you’ll be down one hand.

That is why my brain shifted straight into “The fuck, girl?” gear while watching this video of a woman feeding a shark off the northwestern coast of Australia. And guess what? Feeding a shark is a shit idea.

CNN says that the woman was on the stern of a friend’s super yacht with some others, feeding fish to a group of tawny nurse sharks… Like the mess they’re named after they have been known to attack a trick periodically, and one of them bit at the finger that was waving right in front of its damn teeth, pulling the woman into the water.

Again, if you’re the kind of human who needs proof that feeding a shark isn’t a smart move unless you really want a pirate hook and don’t want to pay a doctor to amputate your hand, here you go:

Luckily, the woman lived and didn’t lose a finger. She did have to go to surgery, though, since she was left with a fracture and an infection.

Bitch isn’t mad at the shark for pulling a shark, she knows what she did was dumb.

Humans: 0 Sharks: All the points.

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The Canadian Stunt Criminals

Before we get into this mess, I just want to let you know that I do not condone turning to a life of crime by trying to use a stolen credit card at a Canadian convenience store in Spruce Grove, Alberta. but if you are going to turn to a life of crime by trying to use a stolen credit card at a Canadian convenience store in Spruce Grove, Alberta, and the cops are called, try to be as entertaining as Canada’s answer to Bonnie and Clyde!

CBC News says on Monday afternoon, a 29-year-old woman (aka Avril Lavigne if Avril Lavigne didn’t become rich and famous) and a 28-year-old dude (aka Justin Bieber if Justin Bieber never became rich and famous) strolled into the King Street Reddi Mart and tried to buy a can of sodie pop with a credit card. The card got declined several times, and the dude said that it was his girlfriend’s card and she was at work.

The store owner got suspicious and called the cops.

When the cops arrived, the dude (prepare to swoon over him doing the most gentlemanly thing imaginable) pushed his Bonnie toward the cops (and SWOON). The Canadian Bonnie and Clyde really didn’t want to get busted and tried their hardest to get out of being put into handcuffs. They ran all around the store and the Canadian Clyde eventually gave up when a cop pulled a taser gun on him.

But the Canadian Bonnie refused to let the Canadian Ham (that’s the Canadian equivalent of the pigs) take her in, and she went to the backroom where she found a ladder and climbed into the ceiling thinking she was a genius mastermind criminal who found the perfect escape route. The Ocean’s 8 chicks, who?

But well… the ceiling tiles just wouldn’t let her be great and she fell right into the paws of the cops. She has nothing to be embarrassed about, though, because she gave the internet the best grand entrance since Tandi Iman Dupree!

Slate did the lord’s work by giving the surveillance footage the soundtrack it needs:

And in case you missed that fall and A+++ landing, here you go:

I laughed to tears for several minutes watching that bitch.

I mean… Nobody, including the falling criminal angel, was seriously injured. I asked myself “HOW?!” and the only possible answers I came up with were: drugs, drugs, and drugs. Or she’s bionic. Or she’s lucky

The Canadian Bonnie & Clyde were both charged with using a stolen credit card, resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, attempting to disarm a police officer and resisting arrest from someone aiding the police.

I gotta say I’m surprised by how old and out of shape the Alberta officers look like. Police officers in Montreal are very young, fit and hot!

Anyway more than Canadian robbers, looks like Florida is missing 2 people. 

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