The other night Antoine (who’s 23 year old) was talking to me about the dumb gay superficiality and how many times he felt rejected on gay social networks (aka hookup apps,) when I stumbled on to the perfect characterisation of what (in my opinion) lots of those people are probably going through. I thought it warranted a post.
If people are not aware, the story of Snow White goes like this…
Once upon a time, there was this pale bitch who everyone called Queen. She had a perfect falsetto voice thus producing classic musical hits such as “Fat Bottomed Girls” “Killer Queen” and “Another One Bites the Apple.” She was incredibly narcissistic as evidenced by her self-referencing songs. Her entire self-worth was based on her looks and her admittedly impressive collection of sequined dresses, pleather crowns, and her introduction of the refined dog collar to royal formal wear. Her obsession with beauty and herself wasn’t helped by her dearest friend, a bald, ghost like head inside a mirror hanging on a wall. He is roughly the equivalent of the fat girl closeted gay teenagers invite to Prom to feel better about how skinny and not as worse off as they are.
Everything was dandy like candied apples until an even paler bitch named Snow White was born.
Snow White had lips as red as October, hair black as ink, skin as white as a reclusive Norwegian. Her personality was as bland as all three but because looks are the only thing that matters in the kingdom known as Gayworld she managed to get by soliciting money for her Neutrogena treatment and botox injections.
Then one day, the Queen in normal fashion asked the bald, ghost like head inside a mirror hanging on a wall, who is very much the horndog, who the fairest of them all and he said, “You’re just not getting me up anymore. Snow White is a fine piece of ass.”
“Who!?!” The Queen demanded.
“You! You’re just not getting me up anymore.”
“NO! I mean who is Snow White?”
“The finest piece of ass since Cinderella.”
“This will not stand!” The Queen shouted insider her barren castle.
“Well, she’s walking through the Jungle of Insecurities right now if you want to see her.”
“How did you know where she was?”
“What? What are you implying? I certainly wasn’t stalking her.”
“Show her to me!” The Queen demanded.
The bald head on the mirror used its Sith Lord powers and projected on his forehead was Snow White in her bathroom injecting Botox.
“How did you find her so quickly?” The Queen demanded of her best friend.
“Why do you keep asking that?!” the mirror said, offended, “All you do is demand, demand, demand and I give it to you, don’t ask me why I knew exactly where she was, why I have access to her bathroom, just stop, damn you!” And with that, he disappeared, presumably as far from Snow White as possible.
The Queen devised a plan, Snow White must die if she were to become the fairest of them all. At first, she hired a hunter to hunt Snow White but due to conflicting interests he could not make it. Then she resolved to kill Snow White with her own slender fingers. She planned to make a red apple, the reddest apple one can imagine, then it would be poisoned by her special concoctions, and be given to Snow White who eats whatever is given her.
The bald head in the mirror is trying desperately to find out if this is true.
Before I go on, wouldn’t it have been a far simpler plan for the Queen to become the fairest of them all by giving Snow White a coupon to a tanning salon? I don’t know, seems a lot less drastic than murdering someone via poisonous apple.
Anyway, the Queen transformed herself into an old hunchbacked witch with a stereo typically Jewish nose and went off to find Snow White who has decided to squatter with seven dwarfs who work for little pay and no benefits. While all the dwarfs s went to work in a quarry, inhaling all sorts of noxious toxins, Snow White stayed behind the house, 20% cleaning up their mess but mostly dabbing her face with wet cloth to close her pores. It was here alone that the wicked witch came with the apple.
“Here girlie bite this apple.” The Queen demanded.
Snow White, ever the innocent, stupid type, took the apple from a woman a five year old won’t trust, and bites into it. Before she knew what she did, the ugly witch revealed her true form as the beautiful Queen and she cackled, that finally once again, she would be the fairest of them all. The Queen didn’t seem to realise that someone dead would look even paler than her, preserved in beautiful youth.
The Queen, happy with herself, started whistling her other hit “We Are The Champions” before the animals who conspired with Snow White warned the dwarfs of the Queen’s presence. The dwarfs ran back from the quarry to find Snow White dead in their house and most of them cried out in horror while the one dwarf named “Douchey” cried out, “bitch didn’t even clean before she died!”
The Queen upon seeing the seven, sprinted into the woods. The dwarfs chased after her, hacking off bushes and running over streams until in grave misjudgement, they’d realise they were dwarfs with extremely squat legs and slow mobility.
The Queen laughed even more until, in a completely chance encounter with absolutely no precedent in the story, a lightning bolt tapped her on the shoulder and she fell to her death, burnt like bacon.
The dwarfs, mournful, decided it best if Snow White was buried inside a glass case so that medical students, young and old, can study decomposing human body. Once they left her, little did they know, Snow White would become a legend eventually attracting the sight of handsome, young Necrophiliac who kissed her thus reviving her from the sleep of death. Warning: do not kiss dead loved ones.
The prince, realising that Snow White was still able to wiggler her left toe, left her shortly afterwards to search for the bacon smelling/looking Queen.
Snow White, inconsolable and heartbroken, pledged never to fall in love with any man who kisses her so she retreated into herself, believed in her own hype, dropped contact with dwarfs because they were stumpy she said, and eventually she befriended the bald, ghost like head inside a mirror hanging on a wall.
All day and all night, they would talk about how beautiful Snow White was, how so much better she was than everyone else until one fine day the bald ghost like head inside a mirror hanging on a wall stopped visiting her.
Once Snow White finally got past his affable but stern assistant, she found out why he stopped coming.
“Sorry dear, you’re not the finest piece of ass anymore, you’re not a pretty young thing.”
“What? How do you mean?” She turned to the side and looked at her ass. “Still bouncy…”
“Um no, dearie… if I have to tell you…I’m just going to go.” And with that, he was gone into to see his newest Chinese girl singing to her reflection, leaving Snow White with nothing but an image of herself.
And for the first time in a long time as well as the last time, Snow White gazed at her reflection truthfully.
Unbeknown to her, she had aged beyond comprehension, not even a five year old would trust her now. Horrified she took the mirror from the wall and hurled it out the window as best as she could but the mirror shattered before it made its way outside, ever the innocent, stupid type, she didn’t bother to open the window blinds.
The mirror shattered into a million little pieces of Snow White’s reflection. Each piece had a life of its own. Some of them laughed, some of them cried, most of them posed. Snow White tried to look away but she couldn’t. She still admired everything about herself, in the million different ways she though herself as.
She realised she didn’t need the mirror to tell her she was beautiful, she just had to believe it herself, and believed it she did. She gathered all the little pieces of herself, she laid them side by side on her bed. And that night she embraced them all and they embraced her, puncturing her in a million different ways until she closed her eyes for the final time and demanded people to love her for her.
Using the first definition of syndrome, we can say that The Snow White Syndrome is the belief that you are attractive to the point of arrogance but once the realisation comes that you are in fact, not the fairest of them all, jealousy, envy, and bitterness comes in.
In plainer and gayer terms, I liken it to some twink who gets fat or some jock who gets old or every pretty young thing who loses the pretty and the youth and just becomes a thing… And I think many superficial humans are going to go through the moment when they realise they’re no longer “hot”.
The main point here is, there’s a lot of negativity and discrimination on the so-called community that old and young cute-looking guys like Antoine many times feel rejection.
I for instance never took myself too serious or considered myself as good looking as all the guys this city, so I’ve never felt affected by this stuff. Low self-esteem can be an ally sometimes.
To me, gay hookup apps (and assorted gay whatever) are not only popular for the easy sex, but because misery gathers crowds.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”
The one who doesn’t ask this question!