Tag Archives: Hot Mess

Narcissist in Chief

Only Bill can deliver such in your face truths like that.

And since we are on the political subject…

Embarrassing times.

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Nagini is that you?

Have you seen that viral video of Trump hissing? It’s really weird.

But it kinda makes more sense (but still weird) if you see the full video. Still, it’s a lot more fun for the imagination to think he’s a reptile cursed in that body.

I want to believe he’s actually Nagini and we’re all waiting for fate to happen.

On the other hand, I like how saying “thank you” looks so painful on him.

He contorts his whole face just to get it out. 

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Stormy Daniels Just Had To Go And Ruin Mario Kart For Everyone

“Mario Kart” has been trending all day today, and at first I figured it was because there’s a new game, or it’s the anniversary of that shit, or maybe Super Mario was killed off in a tragic kart accident.

It’s a billion times worse than the last one. 

Stormy has already said that her one-time fuck of terror with Trump lasted less than two minutes, but not she got more graphic…

The Guardian published an excerpt from Stormy’s new book Full Disclosure where she says that Trump doesn’t exactly have a Triple I-Y dick (an “Is It In Yet?” dick), but that he’s not as hung as his ego and it felt like a losing game of Mario Kart was being played in her pussy when he boned her.

She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”.

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…

Stormy Daniels is an enemy of my teenage years for this!

Not only did she ruin Mario Kart for everyone, but the next time I’m at a Chinese restaurant and my plate of delicious pan-fried noodles arrives, I’m going to look at the fried noodles and the tiny wet mushrooms and think of Trump’s Yeti pubes and dick.

And then I’m going to have to ask for a box. No, not to take my food home, but to barf into.

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Alive

Sorry for the lack of proper updates, I wasn’t fucking as you might think. I worked during the weekend and I was too tired to do anything else. And Monday… Monday was the worst!

As usual I got up at 5:30 AM, went to work, came back home around 7 PM, went out again to check/clean a bit my parent’s house ’cause they’re in Europe at the moment, came back home around 11:30 PM, took my dog for a walk, and then, at home again…

Then I decided to take out the recycling.

I had few huge boxes I needed to take out, so I cut them, put them together, left my door unlocked and carried them outside the building (by the time it was already 1 AM). And then, once back at my building’s main entrance, I realised the worst possible scenario just happened to me…. I didn’t have my keys or my phone with me. 

Two word: FUCK ME!!

I kept it cool waiting for someone to come in our out, but after an hour of waiting I was getting discouraged. It seems like people in my building sleep very early and don’t go out at all after 1 AM. Meanwhile the other buildings had more activity. I saw people taking their dogs for a walk, others smoking weed outside, biking, or just walking.

I couldn’t believe no one in my building has a nocturnal life. Apparently, I’m the only one in that condo receiving fuckfriends while everybody sleep.

Anyhow, I felt asleep sitting on the floor waiting for someone to come… And that someone arrived around 4:30 AM… The sound of the door woke me up, I look at him and he asked if I needed help… “Oh my God. Thanks” I said before telling him about my misfortune.

Long story short I had a shitty Monday, I barely slept, and here I am again.

I tend to joke how I am immortal, but truly, I don’t know any human who sleeps 2, 3 or 4 hours a day and still alive and active the way I am. 

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Theatrics

Hurricane Florence has taken several lives and left almost a million people without power. It’s tragic and dramatic on its own, but while reporting from Wilmington, North Carolina during the hurricane, Weather Channel reporter Mike Seidel decided to bring more drama…

He appeared to be bravely reporting while being buffeted by torrential rain and winds gusting at a hundred-something MPH that wanted to blow him away to the afterworld.

However, it looks like Mike is somewhat of a meteorological drama queen.

While Mike was acting like he was Helen Hunt in Twister, two dudes calmly walked by behind him, seemingly untroubled by the inclement weather.

It sort of diluted the moment.

A helpful PHD on Twitter also took the time to explain to us laypeople that, if you’re really gunning for a crown, you want to remember which way the wind is blowing.

Anyhow, my prayers are with those who are suffering this hurricane. Please stay safe.

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Kerry Vs Trump

The Huffington Post reports:

Former Secretary of State John Kerry delivered a blistering assessment of President Donald Trump’s character on Friday’s broadcast of Real Time with Bill Maher. “He is the first president that I know of who spends more time reading his Twitter ‘likes’ than his briefing books or the constitution of the United States,” Kerry told Maher.

“Unfortunately, we have a president, literally, for whom the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is three different things, and you don’t even know what they are,” said Kerry. “He’s got the maturity of an eight-year-old boy with the insecurity of a teenage girl. That’s just who he is.”

BOOM!

John Kerry is one of those American politicians you feel proud of just by seeing him. He’s intelligent, experienced and honourable. No to mention a war hero.

On the other hand, it’s cute that he even thinks Trump might read a book.

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Where’s Fan Bingbing?

Actress/ fashion Icon/ GODDESS Fan Bingbing, who is China’s highest-paid actress, is reportedly being investigated for a classic case of tax evasion and had been banned from acting for three years.

She was alleged to be using “Yin and Yang” contracts where one of her contracts would get reported to the tax department and the other, fatter contract would remain in her bank account. Her social media activity pretty much stopped and she hadn’t been seen in public since early July… and she still hasn’t.

According to the Australian Broadcasting Corporation there is a list in China called the Television Star Social Responsibility Report. It ranks Chinese celebs according to three criteria: professional work, charitable actions and personal integrity. Well, the 2017-2018 list was just released and it may yield some clues as to what’s going on with Bingbing. Because she got a whopping score of  0%.

It’s not all bad for Fan Bingbing since China is one tough critic, and the list says that, even though she is the last on it, she still has a bunch of company in the failing section since only nine celebrities got a passing grade of 60%, including her fiancé, actor Li Chen.

Can you imagine if we did this for North American celebrities? Ranked them based on their trashy lives and lacklustre social activism? Oh god, we should totally start doing this!

Li Chen has been seen in public, even though his fiancé has become a ghost, and in fact there are rumours the two broke up.

The reason they broke up and the reason Fan Bingbing is missing, may be one in the same.

Last week, China released a state media report from the government-run Securities Daily who wrote that Fan had been “placed under control” but the online article vanished just like she did pretty soon after it was put up online. “Placed under control” what a nice way to phrase: “Arrested that trick.”

So to recap: Fan is missing, her fiancé took off his engagement ring, the Chinese government said she was on time out and then erased that message, and they slapped her with a 0% in terms of social responsibility… 

Seriously, I’m a fan. LEAVE FAN BINGBING ALONE! 

I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Fan Bingbing’s three years off from acting is really three years off from freedom.

And I’m also going to guess that right now, Jessica Chastain is scaling the outside wall of a Chinese prison, as Lupita Nyong’o hacks into the prison’s security system in a van parked down the road, and Marion Cotillard and Penelope Cruz sneak in through a laundry cart.

355 isn’t a movie, it’s real-life!

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