Tag Archives: Hot Sluts

Badass

I do not condone or endorse blatant thievery, but I do endorse foolery produced by raccoons, and quite fucking frankly, I condone blatant thievery by a criminal ball of fur who only gives a fuck about getting some deliciousness in the robber bag they call a stomach.

That leads me to this robber who proves that not all Canadians are polite and well-mannered creatures who are perfect houseguests.

This one’s a straight-up rude bitch and makes zero apologies for it. My idol!

Jenny Serwylo of Toronto tells the Toronto Star that on Tuesday night, she was getting ready to go to bed when she heard some noises coming from her kitchen. Jenny went to investigate and found a band of Goldilocks’ raccoon cousins stealing her food. Jenny grabbed a broom to shoo their thieving asses out, and two of them skedaddled off. But this one didn’t…

This hero chilled out behind Jenny’s toaster oven (above) and nibbled on some English muffins while throwing her, “Trick, try ME”, eyes.

Jenny was smart and decided not to try to tussle with a motherfucker who is just daring you to mess with ’em. She called 311, but the city told her to call a 24-hour wildlife removal company. None answered her call, so Jenny had two choices: 1. Try to tussle with the bread bandit again. Or 2. Pack up her things, hand her keys over to the bread bandit, and move out. Strangely enough, Jenny went with option 1.

Once the bread bandit ate up all of the bread in Jenny’s kitchen, the raccoon calmly exited out through the kitchen window like nothing.

I’d like to think that even Jenny stood back like, “What a badass bitch.”

That raccoon was pretty smart in my opinion. I am surprised he didn’t grab a sponge and clean that toaster oven a tad.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Batdick

Looks like the people over at DC were inspired by their latest Batman, Ben Affleck, much more than anyone first thought. Not really by his performance of Batman itself, but by the performance of his dick in Gone Girl. Does art imitate life or life imitate art? Who knows.

Vice is reporting that in the first of a three-issue miniseries called Damned, our favourite extremely rich and broody super hero Batman, shows us his tool, and not one from around his belt, honey.

That’s right! Batman shows dick, and we aren’t talking Grayson. The NSFW (Is comic book dick NSFW?) is below and like Batman, Batdick is moody as hell and lurks in the shadows.

My thanks to writers Brian Azzarello and Lee Bermejo who decided that Batman’s cut dick was relevant to the plot development of this narrative. Thank you for your hard work.

So, after this  maybe there’s some Superpeen on the horizon? Oh god I hope so! I hope this means they keep Henry Cavill as Superman. 

Now Clark, it’s your turn. Let’s see what you’re packing, homeboy…

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

The Seal And The Butterfly

Sometimes you just have odd couples that make you wonder how they got together in the first place…like Sonny and Cher, peanut butter and bananas, and that time Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears all hung out (yes, I know that is technically a throuple, but cut me some slack: it’s Saturday!).

Well, if you happened to find yourself at the Oregon Zoo in Portland recently, you may have seen a new odd couple: Kaya, a baby harbor seal, saw a butterfly on the other side of the glass to her tank and decided she just wants to be where the people, errr, butterflies are!

Like all good flirts in the club, Kaya just kinda wanders alongside the butterfly and stares it dead in the eyes like the creepiest of stalkers. Then, it turns into some light hovering and chasing before you see Kaya start to wave and do flips to charm her new friend.

I mean, Kaya totally wants to eat the damn thing like it’s a good mid-morning snack, but, thanks to that glass, we can all tell ourselves it’s a magical moment of friendship because this world needs more happy stories.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Legend in a Tutu

After the French Open banned Serena Williams’ catsuit for not being respectful of the game, she came out onto the court at the US Open in a tutu and some fishnets and performed the Pas de IllShowYouHos while winning her match.

The tutu look comes on the heels of comments from Bernard Giudicelli, the president of the French Tennis Federation, that the French Open would ban catsuits after Williams wore one during the 2018 tournament. Williams had stated that the “Black Panther”-inspired suit was helpful in preventing blood clots after she had a pulmonary embolism after giving birth to her daughter.

Giudicelli said catsuits “will no longer be accepted,” according to The Associated Press

“One must respect the game and the place,” he said. 

To which Serena responded: “FUCK YOU stinky French prick” in her wonderful tutu.

Serena Williams is the greatest athlete and tennis player of all time. 

She’s gonna kick your ass wearing a catsuit, a tutu or a unicorn horn.

Let her dress however she wants, she brings enough money and people to a sport that would otherwise bore most to tears. But the fact is, if Maria Sharapova had worn a catsuit or a tutu NO ONE would have said shit.

So, suck it up bastards!!!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bear, The Lonely Genius

Note to humans with annoying dogs who are always bothering them to do a physical activity like play fetch: sit them in front of the screen and get them to watch and learn from Bear.

Bear is from Napa, CA, and his human took a video of what he does whenever nobody is around (or is too damn lazy) to play fetch with him.

Bear pulls some level 10 only child geniusness by using the trampoline to play fetch. Bear puts the ball on the trampoline, gets under it, and then punches that shit with his nose until it bounces on to the ground and he can chase after it.

That trampoline and Bear are best friends!

It probably comes to life when nobody but Bear is around and they escape out of the background and solve crimes together. 

I salute Bear! Because my motto has always been: If nobody wants to play with you, play with yourself, bitch! And yes, I meant it like that.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

God’s favorite pitcher

Sister Mary Jo, known to her students at Marian Catholic High School in Chicago Heights, IL as “Sister MoJo,” was invited by the Chicago White Sox to throw out the first ceremonial pitch at their game on Saturday.

The students of Sister MoJo, who teaches theology, have already known about her greatness for years, but the world found out about her greatness on Saturday when she showed up and showed out at Guaranteed Rate Field (capitalism, thy name is Guaranteed Rate Field) by busting out a little elbow trick before throwing what people who know more about baseball than I do say was an “impressive” pitch.

The eyeballs of the saints and angels in heaven blew out of their skulls from trying to follow that fast ball. The wind from that ball travelled all the way to Vatican City and knocked the Papa tiara right off of The Pope’s head:

If the Catholic church should ever crumble from all the non-stop priest pedophilia (yeah, right), Sister MoJo has a career in pitching to fall back on.

Many Catholics don’t believe in reincarnation, but this should change their minds, because the reincarnation of Cy Young has been found!

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

The parrot who graciously thanked a firefighter trying to save her by telling him to fuck off!

If you’re a bitter, mean ole’ bitch who hates humans and is the anti-Blanch DuBois because you’ve always defecated on the kindness of strangers, then meet your spirit sister Jessie, the parrot.

Jessie ran away from her human’s house in the city of Edmonton in England, because she’s a badass rebel who can’t be caged, unless well, her human puts her in a cage.

Jessie flew off to a neighbour’s roof where she stayed for three days and refused to leave. Since squatting on a house that doesn’t belong to you is illegal and Jessie’s human was afraid she’d get hurt, the fire brigade was called in to get her down.

But Jessie is no damsel in distress and let a trick know.

The London Fire Brigade said that when a firefighter got close to her and told her that he loved her, she at first responded that she loved him back. But either Jessie is a fickle one or she gets off on leading a dude on, because right after she told the firefighter he had her love, she cursed him out before flying to a new roof.

Jessie is pretty much you when a guy hits on you at the bar but doesn’t pay for your drink.

If that hot piece in a uniform climbed up to me and told me he’d love me, I’d tell him to fuck me and spray my flaming loins down with his hose. But that’s just me.

Jessie was eventually reunited with her human, who recorded a thank you video of her giving love to the firefighters.

You know how the mum of the asshole brat who bullied you would make ’em come over to your house and apologise to you in front of your mum?

That’s what that video reminds me of. Jessie doesn’t mean it!

Why do I have a feeling that Jessie will soon go missing again and the firefighters will find the words, “I lied. FUCK YOU!” Good girl Jessie. Fuck that enforced slavery!

Tagged , , , , , , ,