Phases & Flashback Chapter II: PRUDENT

To continue my previous post…

10 years later, after Hubby and Bunny I was not longer the same.

Now older and experienced I never thought to fall in love again. But I did, and very deep. However, my approach to relationships changed. I was less impetuous giving my feelings away, I was prudent, had conditions and even many restrictions after my next partner…

Jaden: As most of all my partners, we also fell in love the moment we met. Our time together was 95% positive, lots of great memories. He loved music and used to post lots of Bruno Mars and assorted pop songs of the time on my Facebook wall. Yet the song below (I avoided for years) always reminds me of him ’cause it was the last he played on repeat at home.

 
Aside from all the stuff I mentioned before, the main reasons of the deterioration of our relationship was the fact that Jaden started to play with fire on my back… 

The final episode of our story was very unexpected and damaged our friendship beyond repair.

Reason abandoned me with his behaviour, and he let me fall. None of my relationships (previous or future) affected me the way this one did. 

 

Before Jaden I could count the guys I had in my bed with one hand. After him, that me was also history.


Joseph: We were twin-flames and ADDICTED to each other, but we had a toxic almost sadomasochistic relationship. He was fire and I was gasoline. Yet, we truly loved each other despite our explosions.

Joseph had many qualities that many times were overshadowed by his bad attitude, attitude I blame myself for because (Jaden left me broken) I couldn’t give Joseph that tender side he expected from me.

I was an animal when we met, and he was very inexperienced. But that attracted like a magnet both of us.

He introduced me to many bands, but this below makes me think of him all the time. Probably because… We lost our way

Sex with all my partners was always spectacular, but every second with Joseph was unforgettable. Every inch of him was a greatest moment.

We used to fuck and fight, only to fuck again… And that was the unhealthy pathology of our vicious bond. However, in the end I stopped arguing and accepted our story the way it was, only for him to leave.

My only remorse in our relationship was not have shown him how much he meant to me. I miss him still and always will.

Chapter III… Stay tuned.

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No Longer Hurts

Yesterday a cousin of mine messaged me on Whatsapp asking me for a picture I have in one of my Facebook albums.  So, in order to send her that picture I re-opened my Facebook account for few minutes.

And I couldn’t help but to write a temporary status… As expected, I immediately got messages asking me Where one earth I was hiding?  

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See, I know many people and many people love me, but I chose seclusion because I needed time alone after some bad decisions that made me hate myself even more. Also during that time, I wanted to keep my love life private in order to protect it from gossips and haters.

Anyway, after I got over with my anxiety, I started to check forgotten stuff… And then I saw a private album… An album of Jaden (my ex from Toronto).

5 years ago I didn’t have the capacity to look at those pics because I adored that guy, and the way we end was very unfortunate. 

Jaden was one of my favourite boyfriends intellectually and physically. 

He was hot, he was fun, he was smart, he was audacious, he was clever, he was generous and he was kind (even my wary dogs loved him.) But he was also young with a life ahead of him, living in the wrong city.

5 years ago… He must be 28 by now.

I know he loved me, and he knows I loved him too. And wherever he is I just hope, that as me, he also keeps in his heart the best of us.

Seeing those pictures again opened a box of memories I once tried to forget… But it no longer hurts!

My Heart Is Refusing Me

The last months of 2010 I met Jaden, and we officially started dating the early months of 2011. He was from Toronto.

When we become boyfriends not too long after, he was coming to Montreal twice a month just to be with me, until
he moved for good during summer.

Jaden got a science degree at McMaster University and was considering to go for medicine, but he was not in any rush. Also, taking into account that he was part of his family’s successful restaurant business he had no financial stress whatsoever, so he was just living life.

Jaden’s dedication to our relationship was admirable, and in a way, Carl enthusiasm reminds me of that dedication.

However, Ottawa is a lot closer than Toronto…  Carl is not Jaden, and I’m not longer the guy I was some years ago.

Although I like Carl, I’m not passionate about “us” and I can’t give all of me…

Of all the partners I had after Jaden (official about 12: I’m so burning in hell!) the ONLY 3 I fully committed my spirit, my penis and my ass to were Joseph, David and Xavier (not even PatrickA whom I adored).

I guess that clearly shows who were the real owners of my heart.

Long story short, Carl is a good guy but I can’t keep going with this.

We Learn

Because he can be very inconsiderate, insensitive and fucking entitle, I had an argument with David on Wednesday night… Obviously I lost my cool because I don’t have to deal with that. I’m a nice guy, but I give what I get, so I gave him shit. He fired back with predictable accusations…

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We are cool now… because he doesn’t like my cold blooded bitch ways, which funny enough is how he forces me to be.

You know, it’s really interesting how each of my long-term relationships made me experience new things, and made me discover sides of me I didn’t know I have.

  1. With Hubby I experienced joy and overwhelm. He always brought out the best in me.
  2. Bunny woke up my hyper sexuality and my fighter side. Which was the only way to deal with him in those days.
  3. Jaden made me realistic and strong. Having a long distance relationship took all my patience, trust and also taught me when to say ENOUGH.
  4. Justin opened my mind and made understood that monogamy and faithfulness are two different things.
  5. Joseph showed me love again, yet he turned me uncontrollably aggressive with his constant bad attitude.

And David… with David I’m experiencing something I never did before…psychological endurance, because that’s what sharing your guy does.

Although, not my ideal, I decided to give it a go for the sake of experience. However, it’s not working smoothly and it’s fucking me up in the head. I know, I gave him another chance, but he’s not cooperating to improve it.

Since I know myself very well, yesterday I decided to find him a serious replacement. I’m kind of discouraged. I’m a monogamous guy by nature and I need a one-on-one relationship. 

That been said, I already have a date tonight, and another one tomorrow night. I like both guys (Patrick A and Connor) both my type inside out… It’s going to be hard to chose one.

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I guess my relationship with David is the best example of “Don’t blame the player, blame the game”.

Long story short, we learn every day, and what I learnt with David is that I’m unable to share my guy. For that reason, it’s matter of time before he becomes a souvenir. For enough reasons, for prevention, and by his own actions because I really wanted and I really tried to take him seriously.

The Name & His Name

tumblr_meweokNApY1rmkurao1_400I had different blogs over the years, all related to my personal life and that moment in time.

The names I chose were also related to my personality, feelings or my relationships. On my previous breakup (almost 3 years ago,) I closed my blog 2Pgs (a name associated to my then-partner and I, our breakfasts at midnight and our gourmand life) to open my next blog, Lust Expectations (because that was my only expectation after him).

That blog was a new experience to me, it was a public sexual diary, but I was broken in need of company, and I lost myself in lust.

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However, the light of those dark days were 5 amazing guys that became my lovers and my cure. Then I met Joseph, and I gave up on them to commit to him. And almost a year after that, this blog and my first post was born… Lust Without You, because I knew only THAT would have been my reality without him.

Now that he’s not longer here, I considered to closed this blog as well, but to be honest I don’t have the enthusiasm to start from scratch all over again. Plus I have too many stories and beautiful moments I don’t want to forget. Not anymore.

This blog was influenced by him, and he will never be JUST another post. But I will keep writing on, until his name… no longer hurts.