Archives for posts with tag: Joseph

photo63Although our picture is cropped, your smile still expanded in my head… It was very late and time ran out of our hands.

I was falling asleep and I couldn’t understand what you were saying to me. Because even though I always started trouble by looking at you, you had the power to win over me.

And all I could do was nothing, and nothing you did could hurt me compared to what I felt… when you were next to me.


“I was scared of never seeing you again… “

Those are the words I pronounced just before waking up this morning, so I wrote them down to not forget.

The person I said that was Joseph.

In my dream he looked slightly different than how I remember him, but the connection was the same.

I don’t tend to dream of my exes but I had a similar dream few years ago with another one.

It was a very strange dream where Jaden apologised to me and I forgave him for how he made me feel… I rarely remember my dreams, I mostly remember few nightmares but it seems like my unconscious sabotages my will to live without memories of failure, or it simply needs to ventilate my frustrations…

With Jaden by our bad ending, and Joseph by the things I never said to him.

Many people think you cannot fall in love more than once, or twice. Some have never fallen in love in their lives. But me, I have falling in love many times. Perhaps in different degrees but for long enough to recognise that it was not infatuation.

If Joseph or Jaden didn’t mean anything me, I wouldn’t have them in my dreams or have spent many years of my life with both.

I may be haunted by their souvenir, but the memories are what prevents me to repeat the mistakes I made with them. And in this case, at least in a dream, I saw Joseph again.

I have a terrible memory, I don’t remember anything that is not crucial, or highly relevant to me. And I’m also a sentimental.

I remember few birthdays, the date of my first breakup, the date I met my last ex, and I also still remember the date of my unofficial anniversary with Joseph … It was a 5th, and it could have been 5 years this year.

Although our relationship became very toxic by the end, our farewell was civilised, and very hard, but I knew we had to stop.

Joseph and I were sexually addicted to each other, and when we were not fucking it was hard to understand each other. Still, we made it work for over two years.

Relationships are of two but I tend to blame myself for all. And with him even more for all the tears he shed… I was impatient, I was too wild, and I brought up the worse in him too.

Yet when I look back, Joseph was my world. Tangible and also virtual because he was the reason of this blog.

Joseph rescued me from destroying myself when destroying myself was ten times less intense. Joseph was the last guy who saw in me something I no longer have, prudence. 

He hated hear me apologising, not for my mistakes, but for feeling guilty all the time for not loving him the way he wanted. And today, I still live with that in me.

In life we have to live what we have to live, but when he left I no longer existed.

Tonight party people and assorted creatures are celebrating Halloween. And I am too.

My celebration this year will be a lot more private (xxx,) as I’m dressing up for someone to silently please, like a good Arlequin.

It’s been three Halloweens now that I find myself single during this time, and inexorably makes me think of that last love I spent this precious night, Joseph.

Although I attended a house gathering by myself, the memories of that night begun when we met under the rain… And rushed to my temporary flat for our naked bodies to become one.

The bohemian landscape of the area I was living in back then, plus the carpets of yellow leaves and people on costumes in every corner of the street, only enhanced the magic of that night.

No Halloween night after him ever compared with what we lived. And I miss him tonight, as I do every time he pops in my mind… Because event though I smile on the outside, I still torn deep inside.

But the show must go on while I’m losing my clothes, and seductively slip into existential melancholy.

Derek is one of my first fuckfriends, one of the guys that helped me gain back my self-esteem by fucking the sads of a breakup away. Derek and I stopped our affair when I met Joseph.

Years later when Joseph left, I saw Derek again, and again, every time any serious relationship ended.

If I never got into a serious relationship with Derek is because he’s a pathological liar in many ways. And this is not talking shit about someone I appreciated and still do, it’s just fact.

As a sexmate of few hours we were fine, but whenever I tried to take him more serious (because he wanted something “serious”) he failed me all the time.

Tonight we ran into each other at the gym, we hugged and talked a bit… 

I know Derek for 5 years now and he looks a lot hotter than when he was 18.

Physically he’s sooo my type of guy, but his unstable personality turns me off big time. Still, our affair would never be more than sexual.. As a matter of fact he asked me if I was free after gym, but I wasn’t even horny ’cause I got fixed last night.

Yet, I know I can count on him to release because after all…

We will always be a pathological fuck.

Last night, Antoine slept over for the first time

Usually I don’t allow my assorted flings such privilege, but he’s kind of more serious than the rest.

So he arrived, we played, we got wet and we spooned the whole night.

Antoine is very docile and easy going, and from times he reminds me of Joseph (one of my ex’s). His coolness and his body.

Although I was in love with Joseph I was also addicted to him. Sex with Joseph was my drug and many other things not all my lovers made me feel.

Similarities aside, Antoine is light years away from Joseph when it comes to sex… But nothing I can’t fix tho, after all Joseph was a virgin when we met.

What Antoine needs is to trust and let himself go, and what I need is patience.

But the truth is I don’t really know what I want with him. All I know is that it makes me feel a lot better being the one in charge.

Not to mention he also gives me a déjà vu of happier times.

I don’t have time for emotions today and YET here I am.

I just finished packing and my luggage is about to explode. This is hell!

For some reason I feel like I’m missing something, when all I ever need is:

  1. An orgasm
  2. Attention
  3. $50,000

I’m leaving to the airport soon and I’m not sure if I’d be able to blog the coming days, or ever again… I mean, hoping nothing go wrong (and I’m still alive) you’ll hear from me.

Otherwise, here are my last words:

To the men of my life

Hubby: I loved you yesterday, I love you still and I always will.
Bunny: From here to the moon and back, I adore you that much.
Justin: You and I, one day, will fall in love again.
Joseph: No one misses you more than I. You marked me for life.
PatrickA: I know the song that makes you think of me. And you also mean all that to me.
Xavier: If there ever comes a day that we can’t be together, keep in your heart, you’ll be in mine forever.
My current lovers: Thank you!

This song is for all of you:

If I don’t come back give my stuff to the less fortunate, all my porn/sex toys to those who need a smile in their soul and my paintings to whoever appreciate my sad work.

Oh! One last word to my boss and to Revenu Quebec: FUCK YOU!

Take care you guys!