Tag Archives: Joseph

Arlequin Blues

Tonight party people and assorted creatures are celebrating Halloween. And I am too.

My celebration this year will be a lot more private (xxx,) as I’m dressing up for someone to silently please, like a good Arlequin.

It’s been three Halloweens now that I find myself single during this time, and inexorably makes me think of that last love I spent this precious night, Joseph.

Although I attended a house gathering by myself, the memories of that night begun when we met under the rain… And rushed to my temporary flat for our naked bodies to become one.

The bohemian landscape of the area I was living in back then, plus the carpets of yellow leaves and people on costumes in every corner of the street, only enhanced the magic of that night.

No Halloween night after him ever compared with what we lived. And I miss him tonight, as I do every time he pops in my mind… Because event though I smile on the outside, I still torn deep inside.

But the show must go on while I’m losing my clothes, and seductively slip into existential melancholy.

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Pathological Fuck

Derek is one of my first fuckfriends, one of the guys that helped me gain back my self-esteem by fucking the sads of a breakup away. Derek and I stopped our affair when I met Joseph.

Years later when Joseph left, I saw Derek again, and again, every time any serious relationship ended.

If I never got into a serious relationship with Derek is because he’s a pathological liar in many ways. And this is not talking shit about someone I appreciated and still do, it’s just fact.

As a sexmate of few hours we were fine, but whenever I tried to take him more serious (because he wanted something “serious”) he failed me all the time.

Tonight we ran into each other at the gym, we hugged and talked a bit… 

I know Derek for 5 years now and he looks a lot hotter than when he was 18.

Physically he’s sooo my type of guy, but his unstable personality turns me off big time. Still, our affair would never be more than sexual.. As a matter of fact he asked me if I was free after gym, but I wasn’t even horny ’cause I got fixed last night.

Yet, I know I can count on him to release because after all…

We will always be a pathological fuck.

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Remembrances Of Him

Last night, Antoine slept over for the first time

Usually I don’t allow my assorted flings such privilege, but he’s kind of more serious than the rest.

So he arrived, we played, we got wet and we spooned the whole night.

Antoine is very docile and easy going, and from times he reminds me of Joseph (one of my ex’s). His coolness and his body.

Although I was in love with Joseph I was also addicted to him. Sex with Joseph was my drug and many other things not all my lovers made me feel.

Similarities aside, Antoine is light years away from Joseph when it comes to sex… But nothing I can’t fix tho, after all Joseph was a virgin when we met.

What Antoine needs is to trust and let himself go, and what I need is patience.

But the truth is I don’t really know what I want with him. All I know is that it makes me feel a lot better being the one in charge.

Not to mention he also gives me a déjà vu of happier times.

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Programming Note

I don’t have time for emotions today and YET here I am.

I just finished packing and my luggage is about to explode. This is hell!

For some reason I feel like I’m missing something, when all I ever need is:

  1. An orgasm
  2. Attention
  3. $50,000

I’m leaving to the airport soon and I’m not sure if I’d be able to blog the coming days, or ever again… I mean, hoping nothing go wrong (and I’m still alive) you’ll hear from me.

Otherwise, here are my last words:

To the men of my life

Hubby: I loved you yesterday, I love you still and I always will.
Bunny: From here to the moon and back, I adore you that much.
Justin: You and I, one day, will fall in love again.
Joseph: No one misses you more than I. You marked me for life.
PatrickA: I know the song that makes you think of me. And you also mean all that to me.
Xavier: If there ever comes a day that we can’t be together, keep in your heart, you’ll be in mine forever.
My current lovers: Thank you!

This song is for all of you:

If I don’t come back give my stuff to the less fortunate, all my porn/sex toys to those who need a smile in their soul and my paintings to whoever appreciate my sad work.

Oh! One last word to my boss and to Revenu Quebec: FUCK YOU!

Take care you guys!

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Phases & Flashback Chapter II: PRUDENT

To continue my previous post…

10 years later, after Hubby and Bunny I was not longer the same.

Now older and experienced I never thought to fall in love again. But I did, and very deep. However, my approach to relationships changed. I was less impetuous giving my feelings away, I was prudent, had conditions and even many restrictions after my next partner…

Jaden: As most of all my partners, we also fell in love the moment we met. Our time together was 95% positive, lots of great memories. He loved music and used to post lots of Bruno Mars and assorted pop songs of the time on my Facebook wall. Yet the song below (I avoided for years) always reminds me of him ’cause it was the last he played on repeat at home.

Aside from all the stuff I mentioned before, the main reasons of the deterioration of our relationship was the fact that Jaden started to play with fire on my back… 

The final episode of our story was very unexpected and damaged our friendship beyond repair.

Reason abandoned me with his behaviour, and he let me fall. None of my relationships (previous or future) affected me the way this one did. 


Before Jaden I could count the guys I had in my bed with one hand. After him, that me was also history.

Joseph: We were twin-flames and ADDICTED to each other, but we had a toxic almost sadomasochistic relationship. He was fire and I was gasoline. Yet, we truly loved each other despite our explosions.

Joseph had many qualities that many times were overshadowed by his bad attitude, attitude I blame myself for because (Jaden left me broken) I couldn’t give Joseph that tender side he expected from me.

I was an animal when we met, and he was very inexperienced. But that attracted like a magnet both of us.

He introduced me to many bands, but this below makes me think of him all the time. Probably because… We lost our way

Sex with all my partners was always spectacular, but every second with Joseph was unforgettable. Every inch of him was a greatest moment.

We used to fuck and fight, only to fuck again… And that was the unhealthy pathology of our vicious bond. However, in the end I stopped arguing and accepted our story the way it was, only for him to leave.

My only remorse in our relationship was not have shown him how much he meant to me. I miss him still and always will.

Chapter III… Stay tuned.

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My Heart Is Refusing Me

The last months of 2010 I met Jaden, and we officially started dating the early months of 2011. He was from Toronto.

When we become boyfriends not too long after, he was coming to Montreal twice a month just to be with me, until
he moved for good during summer.

Jaden got a science degree at McMaster University and was considering to go for medicine, but he was not in any rush. Also, taking into account that he was part of his family’s successful restaurant business he had no financial stress whatsoever, so he was just living life.

Jaden’s dedication to our relationship was admirable, and in a way, Carl enthusiasm reminds me of that dedication.

However, Ottawa is a lot closer than Toronto…  Carl is not Jaden, and I’m not longer the guy I was some years ago.

Although I like Carl, I’m not passionate about “us” and I can’t give all of me…

Of all the partners I had after Jaden (official about 12: I’m so burning in hell!) the ONLY 3 I fully committed my spirit, my penis and my ass to were Joseph, David and Xavier (not even PatrickA whom I adored).

I guess that clearly shows who were the real owners of my heart.

Long story short, Carl is a good guy but I can’t keep going with this.

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My Fear

Unlike your basic slut I don’t hookup with people, we become a thing on the spot. From Joseph to Xavier and so on.

Charm, pity, hooker appeal, it doesn’t matter the concept of me. They buy it and we take it from there.

However, when they want to introduce their friends or family to me I get stressed, because as I mentioned before, I never feel good enough.

I never had this fear in the past, all my ex in-law’s loved me in fact. But as my boyfriends got younger my insecurities grew bigger.

I know they accepted me the way I am, but would they be able to handle disapproval from friends and family if that were the case? I asked myself many times.

Relationships are ONLY of 2, and in my case nobody get in my way because my strong personality prevents unwelcome opinions and keep people in check. #BossBitch

But younger guys tend to get influenced by everybody else.

During my relationship with Joseph, we got into arguments few times because he was friend with some gossip guys that followed me on Facebook, friends of ex friends of mine.

Obviously their opinions about myself were based on the image I project (and jealousy because I always got the hottest guys) and not of the person I am (full of pureness and decency) because unhappy humans do that. They just blah blah when they don’t have a life.

Xavier wanted to introduce me to his mother few times, but I was too embarrassed. While he’s young and gorgeous, I didn’t have the courage to expose my old tired face and cause him a problem with his family.

Now, Carl is coming back to Montreal next Thursday and wants to introduce me to his friends over some social drinking… Ugh!

I really appreciate the fact he takes me serious coming all the way from Ottawa, but is it really necessary to meet his entourage this fast?

I mean it’s not even a week that we know each other.

What’s the rush?

Maybe he feels insecure and doesn’t believe my truthful words?

That said, meeting people I’m not having sex with makes me anxious.

On the other hand, meeting people over a drink is an idea I like because the more you drink, the better I look.

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