Phases & Flashback Chapter II: PRUDENT

To continue my previous post…

10 years later, after Hubby and Bunny I was not longer the same.

Now older and experienced I never thought to fall in love again. But I did, and very deep. However, my approach to relationships changed. I was less impetuous giving my feelings away, I was prudent, had conditions and even many restrictions after my next partner…

Jaden: As most of all my partners, we also fell in love the moment we met. Our time together was 95% positive, lots of great memories. He loved music and used to post lots of Bruno Mars and assorted pop songs of the time on my Facebook wall. Yet the song below (I avoided for years) always reminds me of him ’cause it was the last he played on repeat at home.

 
Aside from all the stuff I mentioned before, the main reasons of the deterioration of our relationship was the fact that Jaden started to play with fire on my back… 

The final episode of our story was very unexpected and damaged our friendship beyond repair.

Reason abandoned me with his behaviour, and he let me fall. None of my relationships (previous or future) affected me the way this one did. 

 

Before Jaden I could count the guys I had in my bed with one hand. After him, that me was also history.


Joseph: We were twin-flames and ADDICTED to each other, but we had a toxic almost sadomasochistic relationship. He was fire and I was gasoline. Yet, we truly loved each other despite our explosions.

Joseph had many qualities that many times were overshadowed by his bad attitude, attitude I blame myself for because (Jaden left me broken) I couldn’t give Joseph that tender side he expected from me.

I was an animal when we met, and he was very inexperienced. But that attracted like a magnet both of us.

He introduced me to many bands, but this below makes me think of him all the time. Probably because… We lost our way

Sex with all my partners was always spectacular, but every second with Joseph was unforgettable. Every inch of him was a greatest moment.

We used to fuck and fight, only to fuck again… And that was the unhealthy pathology of our vicious bond. However, in the end I stopped arguing and accepted our story the way it was, only for him to leave.

My only remorse in our relationship was not have shown him how much he meant to me. I miss him still and always will.

Chapter III… Stay tuned.

My Heart Is Refusing Me

The last months of 2010 I met Jaden, and we officially started dating the early months of 2011. He was from Toronto.

When we become boyfriends not too long after, he was coming to Montreal twice a month just to be with me, until
he moved for good during summer.

Jaden got a science degree at McMaster University and was considering to go for medicine, but he was not in any rush. Also, taking into account that he was part of his family’s successful restaurant business he had no financial stress whatsoever, so he was just living life.

Jaden’s dedication to our relationship was admirable, and in a way, Carl enthusiasm reminds me of that dedication.

However, Ottawa is a lot closer than Toronto…  Carl is not Jaden, and I’m not longer the guy I was some years ago.

Although I like Carl, I’m not passionate about “us” and I can’t give all of me…

Of all the partners I had after Jaden (official about 12: I’m so burning in hell!) the ONLY 3 I fully committed my spirit, my penis and my ass to were Joseph, David and Xavier (not even PatrickA whom I adored).

I guess that clearly shows who were the real owners of my heart.

Long story short, Carl is a good guy but I can’t keep going with this.

My Fear

Unlike your basic slut I don’t hookup with people, we become a thing on the spot. From Joseph to Xavier and so on.

Charm, pity, hooker appeal, it doesn’t matter the concept of me. They buy it and we take it from there.

However, when they want to introduce their friends or family to me I get stressed, because as I mentioned before, I never feel good enough.

I never had this fear in the past, all my ex in-law’s loved me in fact. But as my boyfriends got younger my insecurities grew bigger.

I know they accepted me the way I am, but would they be able to handle disapproval from friends and family if that were the case? I asked myself many times.

Relationships are ONLY of 2, and in my case nobody get in my way because my strong personality prevents unwelcome opinions and keep people in check. #BossBitch

But younger guys tend to get influenced by everybody else.

During my relationship with Joseph, we got into arguments few times because he was friend with some gossip guys that followed me on Facebook, friends of ex friends of mine.

Obviously their opinions about myself were based on the image I project (and jealousy because I always got the hottest guys) and not of the person I am (full of pureness and decency) because unhappy humans do that. They just blah blah when they don’t have a life.

Xavier wanted to introduce me to his mother few times, but I was too embarrassed. While he’s young and gorgeous, I didn’t have the courage to expose my old tired face and cause him a problem with his family.

Now, Carl is coming back to Montreal next Thursday and wants to introduce me to his friends over some social drinking… Ugh!

I really appreciate the fact he takes me serious coming all the way from Ottawa, but is it really necessary to meet his entourage this fast?

I mean it’s not even a week that we know each other.

What’s the rush?

Maybe he feels insecure and doesn’t believe my truthful words?


That said, meeting people I’m not having sex with makes me anxious.

On the other hand, meeting people over a drink is an idea I like because the more you drink, the better I look.

14 Years

Reading old blogs I used to love, I realised this year marks my 14 anniversary on the blogosphere.

I started blogging back in 2003 when I met Hubby, back then I used to blog mostly in French (’cause my English was beyond poor) on a website called Xanga.

Xanga was an amazing site and it used to have sections where you found blogs of people from your own city.

On Xanga I made few friends from Montreal, the Xanga community was fun and blogs were hilarious. 

BUT, everybody grew up and the creation of Facebook killed in many the creativity and passion.

Aside from Xanga, I used to read other fun blogs like I Probably Hate You, Pop Trash Addicts, Lose Yourself in Rome, and some others I no longer remember the names.

Many of those blogs were personal stories of love, sex, and everything in between. Another blog I used to read and that hasn’t fully vanish in time is The Ministry Of Pleasure.

A gay blog with personal stories and assorted topics. In fact, in the assorted topics, Peter (the muse behind) interviewed me two years ago.

It’s been few months since the blog was updated, so it’s kind of melancholic to see another cool blog going away.

Anyhow, if I’m still here it’s because writing it’s a real passion for me. Not to mention it’s also my best therapy, the friend I don’t have but I need, and my virtual punching bag to take out all the feelings I have inside. 

I had 4 other blogs before this one. 3 of them no longer exist, and the previous one I still have it but only as a souvenir: Lust Expectations.



Reading those are pure nostalgia… 2013 was one of best years. The year I met 2 guys that marked me deep, Justin and Joseph.

It sucks I don’t have any record of my other blogs, but maybe it’s better that way… Back then I was someone else.

Regardless, happy 14 blogger birthday to me!

Missing You…

For some reason, I had Joseph in my head the whole day.

Although my feelings are always busy, his souvenir always haunts me.

Maybe he doesn’t even remember me at this point, but he was once my whole world and he still is my last long-term relationship.

It’s been almost 2 years now, but it feels like yesterday when I saw him last.

Fun fact, few days ago on WhatsApp, one of my cousin from South America asked me who are you missing?

I was confused by her question and I thought of Xavier when she asked me that. Then she refreshed my mind by telling me that my WhatsApp status says “Missing you…”

To avoid going on details I just told her that I miss every single person I don’t often see, but that message was for Joseph.

I wrote that status the night he left, and ever since I never touched it again.

Sometimes it’s hard to not miss those that once were part of me.

NEGATIVE

I got my HIV test results from last week and I’m clean like filtered drinking water, good to do and ready for it… which I expected even if my doubts consumed me… and not because I don’t trust Xavier, but I never trust myself.

From the moment I lost my virginity (few days ago) I’ve always protected myself with all my long-term partners, and the few casual of the latest years too.

When I was about 37 yo, and over a year of relationship with my then partner (Joseph) he asked me to skip the condom. And although I was scare to do it (’cause I grew up in the 80’s/90’s when global campaigns to wear a condom was a mater of life or death,) I partially did at some point. Mostly to please him and avoid issues, but aware that we were both clean.

When Joseph left me, I turned careless and gave up on myself. 

After him I found myself in an open relationship (David) with 2 regular fuckfriends on the side… and I was not always safe with them. Not even caring that one of them worked as an escort.

Then I met PatrickA and we never protected ourselves. Even more alarming none of us asked a single question, which was very shocking. My rational fear was completely gone. Yet, for whatever reason I always felt safe with him even if I was beyond conscious that we were a timebomb.

Our great chemistry prevented us to fool around and stick together for several months until shit got complicated…

Meaning he was falling in love, which in younger guys is the equivalent of not having access to Facebook or Snapchat or something terrible like that. He was afraid of feelings but not diseases… In other words, the same story and excuse of all Grindr users.

During that period I obviously did my regular checkups. And when I met Xavier I did them again in order to start clean, which luckily I also was.

Since I’m not longer the top (read: manwhore) with Xavier, I became “careful” again ’cause the bottoms are more in risk to get ill. And while from times we act like fools, the risk is not as great as those I exposed myself before, ’cause unlike the rest Xavier is not the usual slut I was used to fuck. In that regard, he reminds me a lot of Joseph when I met him.

In a way I believe the Sex God sent Xavier in order to turn me a saint.

I’ve been lucky undoubtedly, but to reach my age fully healthy was not only luck, but discipline and self-respect.

In short, I’m not a role model of anything but what I’m trying to say is that a moment of risky pleasure is not worth a lifetime on medications.

Love yourself because once they cum, the love is gone. 

Quiz Du Jour

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Interesting! I’ve never been with a Horse.

My longest relationship was with a Rooster (Hubby) and an Ox (Bunny,) which supposedly are my “best” matches.

If I recall well Joseph is a Pig (supposedly the worst,) PatrickA a Rat (supposedly good pair) and Xavier is a Tiger (supposedly the worst.)

Although I fully agree with Hubby, Bunny and Patrick; I also disagree with Joseph and Xavier… Pig or Tiger, they both gave me some of the most passionate and MEMORABLE times, which translates as #Win to me.

I guess at the end of the day, opposites DO attract!

*Btw, I’m a Snake. Click