Archives for posts with tag: Phases & Flashback

Still on the subject of my previous post…

During my relationship with PatrickA I was already somebody else, but by the end, my sexual role (I’ve been the top all my life) started to change. Unlike any of my previous lovers, PatrickA was taller and more muscular than me. He was not my usual twink, he was a jock!

So, I was not only attracted by his incredible ass but also by his arms, chest, and every manly piece of him.

Although I never fantasised to have his dick inside (he was 100% bottom,) one time he tried to fuck me ’cause he liked my ass. After that episode, I started considering the idea… And one day, the Sex Gods sent my next boyfriend …

Xavier: Our relationship was sexy & sweet.

Xavier is a very affectionate guy, patient and of peaceful nature. And his selfless personality and hotness made me fell in love with him. Before meeting I knew he was versatile, but he never really attracted me as a bottom. To my eyes he was a hot top (taller, hairy, hung) and I was willing to explore. Even though I never expected anything, we clicked instantly and dated from that moment. 

I experienced many new things with Xavier and not only sexually (my first top,) but also emotionally. He was the first guy that made me feel he was taking care of me, and not me of him. I was always eager to please him.

Too many songs made think of him, mostly pop starlets. He made me feel like this, and sometimes also like this.  But this below was one of his favourite songs back then, and also the last we danced together in a club.

He made me explore another side of me, and although I’ve been with dozens of guys after him, I no longer know if I’d ever take someone as serious again. I still belong somehow to him.

One night lying in bed post-coitus I introduced him this song, and always makes me think of him. But Slumber Party marked one of the best sex(y) times we had. So, both are an awesome souvenir.

I’m sure my phases are not over yet.

But like the other song says…  Let’s take our time, we don’t need to run.


Here’s the next chapter of my previous post…

Between Jaden & Joseph another 5 years went by, and I started to feel my age. Although, looking fine on the outside I no longer had the stamina of my prime years, when I was capable to fuck and cum 6 times in one night. Yet frustrating, I still was capable to give my partners a good time.

From Bunny, my partners got younger. But after Jaden, barely legal.

Joseph was 18 when we met, David 19, PatrickA 19 and the oldest of my many fuckfriend before or after them 21. A new generation of independent guys with hot bodies, extreme open mentality, zero shame and zero taboos. And all after me, ’cause I’ve never hunt for anyone.

Blaming myself for not have giving Joseph all he wanted from me, I decided to correct my mistake. With my next partner I dropped my barriers, and with those after, I gave it all carelessly (feelings and dick).

David: My story with David was short and sweet. We had an instant crush and became lovers 20 minutes after we met. David’s mentality was beyond open and gave zero fucks to anyone or anything. He was an extroverted and got me used to public affection.

I experienced a new type of relationship with him, an open one! But it was the best for our situation and his double life… He was an escort.

The song below reminds me of him, not only because we played a lot when chilling, but also because he made me lose shyness and feel comfortable with myself. A bit like the end of this video.

I had a lot of fun with David he was a good guy in essence, but he loved trouble too much. Ironically he called ME “bad boy” which actually made sense, I was his type! Since I couldn’t handle his double life and knowing that relationships were born to die, I just enjoyed every moment we had.

After our breakup we remained friends and he used to come visit me after classes, but by then I had someone else and at some point we lost contact.

He was obsessed with the song above and played it all the time. Probably because it described well both of us.

PatrickA: PatrickA was my fascination. The contrast of my intense previous relationships… But that was not always a good thing… especially during sex… ’cause we never protected ourselves.

For some reason I never wore a condom with him, not even the first time we met. More alarming was the fact that he never asked a single question. And much more alarming the fact I DIDN’T CARE!

Losing Joseph changed a lot in me, and while I never took that risk with him (which created some issues ’cause he wanted raw) with PatrickA I went there all the way not caring anymore about myself.

Ironically, my bond with PatrickA was mostly cerebral and his brilliance mesmerised me.Yet, nobody has ever kissed me the way he did. PatrickA was not only genius, he also he had the body of a Greek God.

He could be the sweetest, the most perverted, the most geeky, nerdy, but also the most bipolar. PatrickA was not openly gay and having developed feelings for me also developed issue in his head. Despite that we lived a normal couple’s life, waking up next to each other almost daily.


I adored PatrickA and accepted him as he was, but eventually someone more determine came to my life (Xavier) wanting to give me what I started missing. And I chose to put myself first.

As most of my ex’s we stayed in good-terms, and the last time I saw him was early this year when he apologised to me for the times he acted like a dick during our relationship.

The song below played during one of our best afternoons together during spring, and always reminds of me of that moment with him.

Chater IV coming soon…. (I’m such a whore!) 

To continue my previous post…

10 years later, after Hubby and Bunny I was not longer the same.

Now older and experienced I never thought to fall in love again. But I did, and very deep. However, my approach to relationships changed. I was less impetuous giving my feelings away, I was prudent, had conditions and even many restrictions after my next partner…

Jaden: As most of all my partners, we also fell in love the moment we met. Our time together was 95% positive, lots of great memories. He loved music and used to post lots of Bruno Mars and assorted pop songs of the time on my Facebook wall. Yet the song below (I avoided for years) always reminds me of him ’cause it was the last he played on repeat at home.

Aside from all the stuff I mentioned before, the main reasons of the deterioration of our relationship was the fact that Jaden started to play with fire on my back… 

The final episode of our story was very unexpected and damaged our friendship beyond repair.

Reason abandoned me with his behaviour, and he let me fall. None of my relationships (previous or future) affected me the way this one did. 


Before Jaden I could count the guys I had in my bed with one hand. After him, that me was also history.

Joseph: We were twin-flames and ADDICTED to each other, but we had a toxic almost sadomasochistic relationship. He was fire and I was gasoline. Yet, we truly loved each other despite our explosions.

Joseph had many qualities that many times were overshadowed by his bad attitude, attitude I blame myself for because (Jaden left me broken) I couldn’t give Joseph that tender side he expected from me.

I was an animal when we met, and he was very inexperienced. But that attracted like a magnet both of us.

He introduced me to many bands, but this below makes me think of him all the time. Probably because… We lost our way

Sex with all my partners was always spectacular, but every second with Joseph was unforgettable. Every inch of him was a greatest moment.

We used to fuck and fight, only to fuck again… And that was the unhealthy pathology of our vicious bond. However, in the end I stopped arguing and accepted our story the way it was, only for him to leave.

My only remorse in our relationship was not have shown him how much he meant to me. I miss him still and always will.

Chapter III… Stay tuned.

I’ve been pretty busy during the weekend, work and Mother’s Day together was hell rushing home after work to attempt looking human for my mother on her day.

If there’s something that I hate more than “dressing up” is to rush!


Today at work they played a song I haven’t heard in ages,
and spontaneously reminded me of an ex boyfriend of mine.

I unconsciously smiled thinking of him and of those days
when we were young and free.

Since I have nothing fun to write due to the fact that my sex life is on hold since 3 days ago (but feels like 3 years) I thought to blog about those particular songs that bring to me memories of them.

Obviously, I have to do it in parts (or chapter like a book) ’cause I’ve been in love with several guys of various personalities, during the different phases of my life. 

It’s hard to chose only 1 song (specially one that is not sad,) so I’ll post 2 (of the countless songs) for each one. Songs that inexorably make me think of them.


This is the phase of my life when I was decent, immaculate, ingenuous and gave unconditionally all of me.

Hubby: Near a decade together, I have many songs in mind, but the one below came out when we met, and describes it all.

Never a fight, never a frustration, he was the cutest, the smartest, most brilliant, most talented, most romantic, and always brought out the best in me. I discovered the meaning of love, devotion and admiration with him.

Being from Hong Kong I also discovered a new world, a new culture I adopted and expanded my horizons in many ways.

Aside from our devastating breakup (that inspired my first painting named Decadencia) our story was pure joy until the very “end”… And still is.

Bunny: Our relationship was very passionate and INTENSE! We broke up a 100 times, but got back together 99. Since civilised words had no effect, I became aggressive, obnoxious and scandalous in order to deal with him whenever he acted jealous and insane.

He was crazy, but made me crazier to the point of doing the unthinkable… Even calling his mother (who btw loved me) when shit got out of control because his mom was his best friend (super cute) and the only person he feared. LOL

Luckily our neighbours never called the police, but he often played this song to me when he was upset.

Bunny was overall an adorable guy, but also the epitome of WILD and the antithesis of everything I knew. But I admit, it was FUN! However we always had great communication and were sexual soulmates. Our daily sex (or 6 days a week) during the 3 years together was proof of that.

Breaking up with him was very hard , considering that during that time I worked in porn (and since our relationship was very sexual) everything made me think of him… So, it was torture!

But in the end love evolved and to this day we remain confidants and good friends. He always makes me laugh and also makes me want kill him sometimes. I played a lot the song below when he left my apartment ’cause I missed him quite terribly….

Chapter II coming soon…