Tag Archives: Whatever Son

Air PEEN

The New York Times says that on Thursday, the people of Okanogan County in Washington state looked up at the sky and thought, “I didn’t know that Tommy Cruise was already shooting Top Gun 2, and I didn’t know they were shooting it in Okanogan County.”

The Navy is filled with sea men, so we all should expect them to draw fat dicks in the sky and we should salute them for it. But some people weren’t into itincluding a mom who complained about her young children seeing it… Young children who have probably scrawled raunchier shit on their textbooks during class.

I know fucking ridiculous!!

The commander of Naval Air Forces, Vice Admiral Mike Shoemaker, says that the air crew responsible has been grounded, and they’ve opened up an investigation, because this is important… “Sophomoric and immature antics of a sexual nature have no place in Naval aviation today. We will investigate this incident to get all the facts and act accordingly.”

Shit is absurd in America! They have a dick as president and nobody seem so offended.

Nobody has a goddamn sense of humour anymore. The pilot who did this, deserves to be promoted and given daily assignments for similar art!

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Rampage

Do you guys remember that awesome video game Rampage where you played as one of three giant monsters who smashed buildings in a nondescript city? Guess what? They’re turning it into a super serious action movie where Dwayne Johnson is friends with an ape that grows larger every day. 

It’s like King Kong but The Rock is Faye Wray (or Naomi Watts or Jessica Lange depending upon your generational reference point). He’s the only one that can soothe beast. 

Although the most recent Kong was the most idiotic film ever made, I may give a chance to this. After all, I’m a kid at heart.

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Long-Legged Teddy Bear

There’s a lot of holidays coming up, like Hanukkah, Christmas, and National I Hate You Day (that was actually on October 28, so happy belated National I Hate You  Day,) and Amazon has got the perfect gift to give loved ones. Today is Poppy Day, so you could same-day ship this bear to the service man or woman in your life and make them say, “Bitch, haven’t I been through enough?

A company called Joyfay is currently selling a gigantic teddy bear on Amazon for just $109.99. The six and a half foot long teddy bear is pictured on Amazon’s site with regular-sized teddy bear legs:

But when some people ordered it, it showed up to their house looking like the Slender Man.

An Amazon shopper named Savannah was pissed when she got her giant teddy bear last year and she leg-shamed the poor trick by posting the picture above with this review:

“Hideous! The legs are like 4 feet long making the bear look like a creepy gumby thing. I got this for Valentine’s Day and would have rather had a cheaper more proportional bear…I mean this isn’t even cute.”

“...would have rather had a cheaper more proportional bear” is straight out of shit you read on gay hookup apps.

Savannah wasn’t the only one who got it delivered to her. Others did too.

Okay, that bear looks like a sexual predator. But what’s more hideous is the amount of people willing to spend a hundred bucks on a dumb 6-foot teddy bear. Truly, If I were paying that much on a teddy bear, that shit better go all Hollywood on me and molest me! 

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The ZOMBIE Frappuccino

Starbucks’ latest diabetes-inducer, the Zombie Frappuccino has arrived. 

I won’t lie, I love anything related to Halloween and for that sole reason I may try that shit even if it goes against my principles, because I find Starbucks overrated and retarded.

Overpriced coffee and unhealthy sugary drinks are not for me.

Starbucks describes the drink as “a chilling concoction of green caramel apple, a drizzle of dark mocha, and pinkish whip”. 

However, Pajiba reviewed Starbucks’ latest abomination a bit different…

In case you’re wondering what that cup of baby diarrhea and half-blended up worms tastes like, here’s the answer… SPOILER ALERT: It tastes like wasted money!

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Pro-ISIS Group Threaten 2018 World Cup

Wafa Media Foundation, a pro-Islamic State (ISIS) group, have released a poster threatening to bring terror to the 2018 FIFA World Cup in Russia that features an image of Barcelona and Argentina star LIONEL MESSI crying blood.

The 2018 World Cup will be played across 11 cities in Russia from June 14 to July 15, when the final will be played at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow.

Now, I guess those terrorist jerks haven’t realised that football (soccer) is the sport king and this is one way to unite the whole world against them.

Also, Russians do not prat around with these people like the West.

Do a Russian down, and you will come second! So, well done bastards.

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Jonathan, The world’s Oldest Gay Living Tortoise

Whenever in my dreams I’m strolling into a gay bar that’s filled with twinks shooting a Snapchat of them dancing to a Dua Lipa remix after getting high, I feel like the world’s oldest living gay. But I ain’t got shit on Jonathan!

Jonathan has possibly been hungry for man tortoise ass for almost two centuries.

Jonathan currently lives on the island of Saint Helena in the South Atlantic Ocean. Jonathan was brought to the island from the Seychelles in 1882 when he was in his 50s.

Jonathan took over the title of the world’s oldest living tortoise in 1965 when the previous record holder, Tu’i Malila, died at the age of 189. Jonathan is now 186 years old, and is said to be healthy, even though he’s blind from cataracts and has lost his sense of smell.

But apparently that hasn’t kept him from getting his fuck on.

The Evening Standard says that when Jonathan started to get “restless” and “aggressive,” the locals decided to get him a mating partner who’d help him to fuck the angries out. In 1991, they introduced Jonathan to a lady tortoise named Frederica. At least, they thought Frederica was a lady tortoise. Jonathan and Frederica never produced baby tortoises, which gave the locals a case of “Huh?”.

The locals may have gotten their answer to why JoFred hasn’t made any babies.

An island vet recently treated Frederica for a shell lesion and discovered that she may actually be a dude tortoise…FREDrica!

Apparently, it’s not that easy to see the differences of sex in tortoises. Experts are now doing tests to see if Jonathan’s partner of 26 years is a male.

I don’t know what kind of tests these experts are doing, but there’s an easy and very accurate one they can do to prove if Frederica is a gay man or not. They should put Frederica in front of a TV and give that tortoise the remote. If Frederica stops on either Glee or Scream Queens while channel surfing, he’s gay. 100% confirmed!

But seriously, 26 years is a long time for a relationship, gay or straight. It must be true love. So if you think you’re destined to be a Forever Aloner, let this story inspire you.

I mean, Jonathan found love at 160 years old! There’s hope for everyone!

On the other hand, this story could push you deep into sadness, because you know, a 186-year-old tortoise is getting more regular ass than you!

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Why All The Signs Are Hoes?

I’m a leo (obviously,) and I confirm the accuracy of the info below.

aries: cardinal fire sign ruled by mars, the planet that rules sexuality and the desires at the front of the mind. natural propensity to express sexual energies whenever they can, craves an outlet for their lust

taurus: earth sign ruled by venus, planet of love and indulgence. cannot resist the temptation to spoil themselves with gifts and with sex. deeply sensual and very tactile. taurus rules the throat so 👅👅👅

gemini: air sign ruled by mercury, this sign is all about connecting. sex for the gemini is a method of communicating. it’s a game. gemini desires active mental stimulation, and courtship is a good way to obtain it

cancer: as a cardinal sign cancers are active and take initiative in their pursuit of the things they want. as a water sign they are receptive and passive to the energies around them. they are very sensitive to sexual vibes and are able to appropriately respond to them. and are probably vers.

leo: sex is a performance. leo, as the fire sign ruled by the sun, must make an impression on people. leo will fuck you with the goal of making you remember that lay for the rest of your life.

virgo: virgos crave order and control in their lives which can play out in power play dynamics. like gemini, virgo is ruled by mercury so they have a really strong emphasis on the mental aspects of sex.

libra: stereotyped as a hopeless romantic, libras can be so hungry for affection that the instant gratification of casual sex is the only thing that can fill them. libras like to be what their partners need. it makes them feel purposeful and validated. so performing a sexual role can be really fun for libras. libra rules the butt and lower back so 🍑👈🏽 

scorpio: i really dont think i have to explain this one (scorpio is ruled by mars and pluto and rules the genitals)

sagittarius: like the other fire signs sagittarius is driven by a need to feel. like taurus sagittarius can be hedonistic and pleasure seeking in excessive ways. ruled by jupiter so probably size queens TBQH

capricorn: mars is exalted in capricorn. capricorns are like virgos in that they crave order and control, but because they are a cardinal sign they are more active in attaining it. daddy doms 🙅🏽

aquarius: the rebel of the zodiac believes in free love, doesn’t want to be constrained by the conventions and culture of shame around sex. is a pretty counterdependent sign, so the detachment and freedom of casual sex is really appealing to aquarians

pisces: similar to cancer and libra in that pisces consumes and reacts to the energies around them so they can be very sensual and easily fall into the moment. probably feels like they’re above sexual stigma. sucks toes

(source: Tumbrl)

Thanks for reading, now if you excuse me I need to get some sexy.

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